pumpkins_porch 3

Merry Halloween

An explosion of bright autumn colors fills the oaks lining the sleepy cul-de-sac. Smiling pumpkins cover the porch of a handsome house nestled behind a crimson picket fence. Inside, an angular man wearing a...

Throat 4

Daze Of The Week

MONDAYS are comparable to suddenly having your throat slit by a toothless gutter whore under the influence of the LSD her pimp slipped into her banana split while she gave an El Salvadorian cook...

Scarecrow-m 6

Stranger Conversations: The Third Experiment

As of late, I’ve been encountering a particularly prodigious number of needlessly rude, stupid, and/or annoying assholes, which has led me to revert to one of my more rewarding behaviors: Suddenly accosting them with...

Brain 10

By The Numbers

The average adult human brain weighs three pounds, contains 150 billion neurons, has certain neural impulses that can travel as fast as 250 miles per hour, and generates sufficient wattage – between 10 and...

Robot Babies 8

Baby Robots

From what I understand, these robotic infants are designed to mimic many of the behaviors of their flesh-and-blood counterparts. In other words, they randomly piss, shit, puke, and cry while you’re trying desperately to...

Fat 6

“What About Dessert?”

There’s something profoundly disturbing about watching a shamelessly obese human being wolf down an entire block of cheddar during lunch break, especially if said person is dunking it greedily into a large jar of...

HappyValentinesDay 6

Shitting On Her Heart

I have a surprisingly clear memory of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards in elementary school. One raven-haired, Crayon-chomping vixen struck me as particularly alluring, so I took great care in scribbling “Will you be my...

GirlFight 7

Soror-spit-y Girls

I despise uppity sorority girls who dare to openly scoff at me after I’ve absentmindedly spit upon their shoes as they power walk in overly-perfumed hordes through public parks. In reality, they should be...

Screen Shot 2013-01-29 at 7.54.50 PM 6

Greetings And Salutations

On nearly every occasion that I find myself accidentally wasting countless hours prowling appallingly sketchy adult sites, it’s only a matter of time before my screen is continually assaulted by pop-up after horrendous pop-up...

Sizzling Bacon 4

Vegetarian Bacon

“Vegetarian bacon” – It’s pretty much impossible to pair those two words without coming across as a total asshole. There is nothing remotely vegetable-like about fatty, greasy, salty, smokey flesh cut from a glassy-eyed...

America 8

Stupid Americans

Sometimes, while standing amid an encompassing barrage of loud, mindless, shamelessly self-important Americans talking ceaselessly yet saying nothing of value, I’m suddenly struck with the notion that, as a whole, we are nothing more...

scary-basement 4

Steps

This morning I ate a few of the fat, wriggling maggots feeding on the putrefying gash running down my thigh. Their sliminess on my tongue caused me to gag, but as there was nothing...

CrazyDiary 8

Crazy Bitch: Entry Six

An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” November 12 – “I finally had dinner with my family...

BrainSplatter 6

Summer’s End

There is my brain: pink, pulpy, and splattered across the living room wall. That paranoid neighbor of ours no doubt heard the blast. He’s probably dialing 911 this very moment. Before long the police...

OldLady 7

The Top Ten Things To Say To Terrify A Random Old Lady

10. “Pardon me, you horny skeleton, but if you looked a wee bit more like my dead grandfather, Captain Leaky Trousers, I’d be willing to briskly rub down your inner thighs with fragrant truffle...

OffMedication 7

Infected

It began the day after I stopped taking my medication. At first there was merely a small, inflamed spot on the tip of my nose – like a slightly infected pimple. We’ve all had...

Garbage 11

Split Personalities

The duality of our personalities guarantees that we’ll have moments of both unbridled glory and unspeakable shame. I, for one, have experienced plenty of each. Here, for instance, are two of them: Glory: Some...

FatGirl 7

Door Matt

While wolfing down gigantic chunks of perfectly charred beef on Saturday afternoon, I overhead a particularly foul-looking woman use her shrill, piercing voice to scream the following into her cell phone, after casually sipping...

BlondeOffBridge 8

Starring The Disturbed Badass And The Promiscuous Blonde‏

Promiscuous Blond: “Let’s fuck.” Disturbed Badass: “You’re a wholly artificial, despicably diseased, predictable, shallow, boorish, uneducated, unworldly, uncivilized, uncouth, and unacceptably mean-spirited excuse for a pathetically putrid dumpster whore. I detest you, your ceaseless...