Monthly Archive: December 2010

3

Dear Jonny, Resolutions?

Dear Jonny, What are your New Year’s resolutions? -Thompson Dear Thompson, New Year’s resolutions are, for the most part, extraordinarily fucking stupid and entirely ineffective (which is something I’ll cover in tomorrow’s article). But...

5

Dear Jonny, Eating Humans…

Dear Jonny, Do you think you’d have any problem killing and eating human beings if the alternative was starvation and death? – Samson Dear Samson, What a nice question. My answer: I’d have no...

6

Posh Psychosis

Between careful bites of her creme’ de menthe chocolate torte, the five-thousand dollar per night prostitute swallowed her various anti-psychotic medications with several large sips of perfectly aged Garrafeira Port. While her client talked...

7

Dear Jonny, Hometown Drinking?

Dear Jonny, I’m making my annual pilgrimage to Fayetteville for an extended new years weekend. While a bit more pedestrian than other recent columns, can you give us a rundown of a few solid...

3

Christmas: The Best Worst Gifts

So Christmas is over, and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, it’s nice to reminisce with family about the time I almost gave my father a heart attack via detonating an M-60 next to his...

5

Dear Jonny, Global Warming?

Dear Jonny, What do you think about this global warming business? – Danny Dear Danny, I think it exists to a far lesser degree than many experts claim. But that’s not really the point....

6

Dear Jonny, Supplements…

Dear Jonny, After reading your Muscle Marinade review, I have a few questions. Will you list all the supplements you are currently taking? Which supplements should I make priority? Lastly, what do you think...

10

Muscle Marinade: It’s Still Soaking In

i So I thought I’d do a little review of a pre-workout supplement that impressed me far beyond my expectations. Let me start by saying that in terms of these sorts of products, I’ve...

3

Dear Jonny, Superheroes…

Dear Jonny, Who is your favorite super hero off that shirt you are wearing [the one in the dear jonny photograph]? My little girl has the same shirt, and absolutely loves it. – Jack...

2

Dear Jonny, President Obama?

Dear Jonny, What do you think of Obama? – Stephen Dear Stephen, Outwardly speaking, Obama is polished to near perfection. He’s slim and elegant, wears expertly cut suits, has a wide, bright, confident smile,...

5

Pick Up Lines That Work

So the next time you’re in a bar, looking for some raunchy late night sex from an upper tier Gucci-knockoff-wearing bar fly who majors in psychology, thinks she’s smart, and pretends to have standards,...

5

Dear Jonny, Divorce? Marriage?

Dear Jonny, Why do you think the divorce rate in America is so high? Do you think you’ll ever be married? Divorced? – Misty Dear Misty, “Why do you think the divorce rate in...

3

One Year Closer To The Worms

I’m not a big fan of birthday celebrations. “Hey, Jon, let’s eat some cake, blow out a few candles, and hit the town to get tanked!” Fuck you. If I’m gonna swoop down on...

1

Dear Jonny, Thoughts On Women?

Dear Jonny, What do you think of the feminist movement? You say you don’t like stupid, slutty bitches, which is totally understandable, but what do you think of smart, independent women? – Anonymous Dear...

1

You Should Drink Bleach If…

You should drink bleach if… You’re using food stamps to buy your filthy, rotten-toothed kids a shopping cart full of generic soda, chips, and snack cakes, before pulling out a hundred dollar bill to...

5

Dear Jonny, I’m Sore…

Dear Jonny, I have access to a state-of-the-art workout facility, a team of highly experienced personal trainers, and plenty of free time. Thing is, I just can’t deal with the muscle soreness I get...

2

Fatal(istic) Poisons

The icy-blue-eyed Siberian prostitute snorted a twelve-inch line of a cocaine/mdma mixture off the chest of a fatally poisoned professional killer who would be dead in 2 hours, 12 minutes, and 54 seconds. At...

11

Dear Jonny: Politics, Religion, And Sports

Dear Jonny, What are your abbreviated thoughts on Politics, Religion, and Sports? – Gabriela   Dear Gabriella, Politics: Democrat, Republican, liberal, conservative, etc. These words mean nothing to me. They’re clever terms designed to...

6

Dear Jonny, Have You Ever…

Dear Jonny, Have you ever killed someone…….with kindness? – Baroness Dear Baroness, Absolutely not. But one time I dumped a girl on her birthday. – Jonny

3

Prozac Paradox

My name is Frank. Every morning I wake up next to a woman who married me because she was getting older and less attractive, plus most of her girlfriends were already having babies. I’m...