Author: Jon

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Crack In Your Coffee Cup

Coffee shops really aren’t that dissimilar from crack houses or opium dens; essentially, they’re all havens for individuals who enjoy getting loaded while socializing with fellow drug lovers in a suitable and welcoming environment....

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Purging Pricks

The 2013 film, The Purge, is a classic case of a refreshingly intense and original idea ruined by uninspired writing, cringe-worthy cliches, and distinctly lackluster performances. However, its basic premise – that the fundamental...

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History Revealed

Why was Forrest Gump’s mother as hopelessly idiotic as her son? Because of her lame-brained contention that looking at someone’s shoes tells you where they’re going and where they’ve been. Case in point: a...

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A Reality Check

Several days ago I heard a radio advertisement for a reality television show about reality TV stars trying to quit their reality TV careers. My first thought was: Who gives a fuck? How tragically...

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Top Ten Reasons To Jerk-Off Instead

Recently I read an article that explored the growing population of American men who are electing to forego dating/sex in favor of watching pornography, as the latter is more convenient, cheaper, safer, and considerably...

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Merry Halloween

An explosion of bright autumn colors fills the oaks lining the sleepy cul-de-sac. Smiling pumpkins cover the porch of a handsome house nestled behind a crimson picket fence. Inside, an angular man wearing a...

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Stranger Conversations: The Third Experiment

As of late, I’ve been encountering a particularly prodigious number of needlessly rude, stupid, and/or annoying assholes, which has led me to revert to one of my more rewarding behaviors: Suddenly accosting them with...

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By The Numbers

The average adult human brain weighs three pounds, contains 150 billion neurons, has certain neural impulses that can travel as fast as 250 miles per hour, and generates sufficient wattage – between 10 and...

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Baby Robots

From what I understand, these robotic infants are designed to mimic many of the behaviors of their flesh-and-blood counterparts. In other words, they randomly piss, shit, puke, and cry while you’re trying desperately to...

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“What About Dessert?”

There’s something profoundly disturbing about watching a shamelessly obese human being wolf down an entire block of cheddar during lunch break, especially if said person is dunking it greedily into a large jar of...

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Shitting On Her Heart

I have a surprisingly clear memory of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards in elementary school. One raven-haired, Crayon-chomping vixen struck me as particularly alluring, so I took great care in scribbling “Will you be my...

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Soror-spit-y Girls

I despise uppity sorority girls who dare to openly scoff at me after I’ve absentmindedly spit upon their shoes as they power walk in overly-perfumed hordes through public parks. In reality, they should be...

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Vegetarian Bacon

“Vegetarian bacon” – It’s pretty much impossible to pair those two words without coming across as a total asshole. There is nothing remotely vegetable-like about fatty, greasy, salty, smokey flesh cut from a glassy-eyed...

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Stupid Americans

Sometimes, while standing amid an encompassing barrage of loud, mindless, shamelessly self-important Americans talking ceaselessly yet saying nothing of value, I’m suddenly struck with the notion that, as a whole, we are nothing more...

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Steps

This morning I ate a few of the fat, wriggling maggots feeding on the putrefying gash running down my thigh. Their sliminess on my tongue caused me to gag, but as there was nothing...

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Crazy Bitch: Entry Six

An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” November 12 – “I finally had dinner with my family...

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Summer’s End

There is my brain: pink, pulpy, and splattered across the living room wall. That paranoid neighbor of ours no doubt heard the blast. He’s probably dialing 911 this very moment. Before long the police...

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The Top Ten Things To Say To Terrify A Random Old Lady

10. “Pardon me, you horny skeleton, but if you looked a wee bit more like my dead grandfather, Captain Leaky Trousers, I’d be willing to briskly rub down your inner thighs with fragrant truffle...

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Infected

It began the day after I stopped taking my medication. At first there was merely a small, inflamed spot on the tip of my nose – like a slightly infected pimple. We’ve all had...