Dear Jonny, Burn In Hell
A friend of mine showed me this site because she is stuppid and thinks its cool. I immediatly recognized you and later recognized all the guys from the Wild On club when I saw the pics in your We were bouncers article. You guys wear complete assholes and were rude to all my friends who came there. Some of those girls were my friend’s asshole!! You all burn in he’ll!
Those were crazy, wild, wondrous times at an utterly chaotic yet darkly magical club. I’m flattered, though not at all surprised, that you remember me. I, however, cannot say that I recall who you are, based on name alone. That said, let’s get down to business. Most of the women who entered that establishment on a regular basis suffered from various personality disorders. From bipolar to psychotic to schizophrenia, we had it all. Crazy bitches. Crazy bitches drunk on alcohol and high on cocaine while prowling around the whiskey-stained shadows like rabid cougars searching for some strange meat to sink their skanky claws into. So it became standard protocol to deal with them however we could. I chose to psychologically dismantle them with sharp, concise, cold-hearted commentary that left them feeling emotionally defeated. On lesser nights it came out more like “You’re ugly and stupid and fat.” And you know what? Many of them were. But regardless of the caliber of my remarks, their broken spirits decreased the odds of needless confrontation, which, at its core, is precisely what bouncing is all about. As for you and your letter, there is, in my mind, exactly a .00000001% chance that you were undeservedly mistreated by myself or any other bouncer working there at that time. My guess is that you and a few of the aforementioned rabid cougars slurped down one too many well drinks after powdering your noses in the ladies’ room, then went after a group of tipsy skanks you thought were looking in the direction of one of your meth-high boyfriends, maybe clawed their eyes out, yanked from their heads a bunch of dandruff-laden hair, then suddenly found yourselves being thrown out into the dusty parking lot by one or more of us. End story. Moving on to your letter, it’s not in keeping with the spirit of this website to blatantly attack others’ shortcomings for all to see, which means that I will [somewhat begrudgingly] refrain from picking at your lack of literary skills; with one exception, of course. In your letter you wrote “Some of those girls were my friend’s asshole!” I find that most interesting. You’re telling me that you actually know girls who are your friend’s asshole?? That sounds very kinky indeed. You should be ashamed of yourself. I want to hear more. Now excuse me while we bouncers go burn in “he’ll.”