Category: Commentary
Stranger Conversations: The Third Experiment
| April 6, 2013 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
As of late, I’ve been encountering a particularly prodigious number of needlessly rude, stupid, and/or annoying assholes, which has led me to revert to one of my more rewarding behaviors: Suddenly accosting them with insane rants about random, off-the-wall topics. My view is that if one cannot get away with… more
By The Numbers
| April 4, 2013 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
The average adult human brain weighs three pounds, contains 150 billion neurons, has certain neural impulses that can travel as fast as 250 miles per hour, and generates sufficient wattage – between 10 and 23 watts – to power a light bulb. Those are some interesting figures that become rather… more
Baby Robots
| March 8, 2013 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
From what I understand, these robotic infants are designed to mimic many of the behaviors of their flesh-and-blood counterparts. In other words, they randomly piss, shit, puke, and cry while you’re trying desperately to get some sleep. Students in human development class are expected to take one home and care… more
“What About Dessert?”
| February 23, 2013 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
There’s something profoundly disturbing about watching a shamelessly obese human being wolf down an entire block of cheddar during lunch break, especially if said person is dunking it greedily into a large jar of mayonnaise. The perplexingly bizarre nature of evolution has transformed him into the 21st century’s hunter-gatherer. The… more
Shitting On Her Heart
| February 14, 2013 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
I have a surprisingly clear memory of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards in elementary school. One raven-haired, Crayon-chomping vixen struck me as particularly alluring, so I took great care in scribbling “Will you be my Valentine?”, on a handsome piece of blood-red cardboard paper, before cramming it into a small envelope… more
Soror-spit-y Girls
| February 5, 2013 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
I despise uppity sorority girls who dare to openly scoff at me after I’ve absentmindedly spit upon their shoes as they power walk in overly-perfumed hordes through public parks. In reality, they should be falling to their knees in order to display how overwhelmingly grateful they are to be blessed… more
Greetings And Salutations
| January 31, 2013 | Posted by cneralich under Commentary |
On nearly every occasion that I find myself accidentally wasting countless hours prowling appallingly sketchy adult sites, it’s only a matter of time before my screen is continually assaulted by pop-up after horrendous pop-up of automated “girls” looking to sufficiently pique my curiosity that I’m willing to join whatever bullshit… more
Vegetarian Bacon
| November 13, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
“Vegetarian bacon” – It’s pretty much impossible to pair those two words without coming across as a total asshole. There is nothing remotely vegetable-like about fatty, greasy, salty, smokey flesh cut from a glassy-eyed pig corpse. Vegetables are bright, wholesome, fibrous, and full of life. The pinkish-brown bacon unapologetically spits… more
Stupid Americans
| November 7, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Sometimes, while standing amid an encompassing barrage of loud, mindless, shamelessly self-important Americans talking ceaselessly yet saying nothing of value, I’m suddenly struck with the notion that, as a whole, we are nothing more than a pesky swarm of cosmic toilet bugs whose temporary position at the top of the… more
Split Personalities
| October 9, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
The duality of our personalities guarantees that we’ll have moments of both unbridled glory and unspeakable shame. I, for one, have experienced plenty of each. Here, for instance, are two of them: Glory: Some years ago, after a lengthy night of artistically brutal self-destruction in downtown Nashville, I headed to… more
Door Matt
| October 1, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
While wolfing down gigantic chunks of perfectly charred beef on Saturday afternoon, I overhead a particularly foul-looking woman use her shrill, piercing voice to scream the following into her cell phone, after casually sipping a fishbowl margarita for twenty or so minutes: “Yes, Matt, I KNOW it’s Saturday. I KNOW… more
Starring The Disturbed Badass And The Promiscuous Blonde
| September 28, 2012 | Posted by cneralich under Commentary |
Promiscuous Blond: “Let’s fuck.” Disturbed Badass: “You’re a wholly artificial, despicably diseased, predictable, shallow, boorish, uneducated, unworldly, uncivilized, uncouth, and unacceptably mean-spirited excuse for a pathetically putrid dumpster whore. I detest you, your ceaseless inane chatter, boundless ignorance, revolting emotional psychosis, shameless sense of self-entitlement and absolute lack of accountability… more
My Bicycle Has A Motor
| September 24, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
My name is Dick. I’m forty-five years old, married with two children, work as a regional manager for a telemarketing company, and have a gargantuan protruding stomach. My interests include Bud Light, nachos, Tiger Woods, cigars, watching football, and the occasional strip club jaunt. Recently I had a mid-life crisis,… more
Cyber Sluts
| September 19, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Recently, while I’ve been Googling things such as “Nymphomaniac Asian midgets with infected fingernail fetishes,” my computer has fallen victim to copious amounts of popups in the form of messages which are supposedly sent from dumb, horny, insecure college-age babes practically begging to be taken advantage of (What could possibly… more
9/11: Remember Their Pain
| September 11, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Over the course of the last few days I’ve heard numerous people regurgitate the idea that weighing too heavily on the morbid nature of 9/11 in some way prevents us from moving forward as a people. In essence, focusing on the macabre events of that day reopens old wounds, thereby… more
Out Of The Depths
| August 30, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
On August 12, 2000, a quantity of highly concentrated Hydrogen peroxide leaked from a poorly wielded torpedo, making contact with an unknown amount of rust. The result: Several explosions with the combined equivalent force of 4-7 tons of TNT registered on seismographs across Northern Europe and left two nuclear reactors,… more
A Greater Pain
| August 3, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Some weeks ago, while drunkenly chasing my hellion of a cat, Hellwood, I stubbed my toe, quite horribly, on a door jamb. The pain was immediate, excruciating, and, above all else, extraordinarily annoying. Without hesitation I began punching myself in the face, so as to distract my brain with a… more
The Armchair Expert Olympics
| August 1, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
The Olympics provides us with an opportunity to observe many of earth’s finest athletes scoff at the physical limitations of mere mortals while battling for honor and glory, both individually and for their countries. A sports bar provides us with an opportunity to observe many of earth’s biggest losers scoff… more
Of Coffee And Fritos
| July 25, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Earlier this morning I trudged, zombie-like, into a nearby coffee chain, my brain in dire need of swift and heavy caffeination after a long night of frantic, booze-fueled writing. While waiting in line, battling a wicked headache as I gave my best effort to completely ignore the artificially chipper, painfully… more
A Dark (K)Night
| July 21, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
One moment you’re sitting comfortably beside your twenty-something son in a large, crowded movie theater, popcorn and soda in hand, while the two of you peer wondrously at the silver screen as it showcases Hollywood actors portraying comic book versions of heroes and villains. The next, smoke begins to fill… more
You’re An Atheist?!: “Give Me A Fucking Break!!”
| July 20, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
First off, the woman in this clip is a monumentally sick, manipulative, shamelessly evil cunt of the first order; one who deserves to be ever-so-slowly drowned in a barrel of rancid otter piss. With that out of the way, religion has never had a problem with violence, so it’s really… more
The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde: Session 2
| June 19, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Otto: It’s great to be here again, Dr. Clyde. I’ve really, REALLY been looking forward to this meeting. You well? Clyde: I’m marvelous. Simply marvelous. But my god, man, what on earth has happened to your face?! Otto: That’s what I wanted to talk with you about, doc. Maybe we… more
The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde
| June 5, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Otto: It’s nice to see you again, Dr. Clyde. How have you been, sir? Clyde: Splendid, splendid. I must say, you’re looking well. Now, if you will kindly take a seat on the couch, we can begin our session. Otto: Sure, doc… So I’ve been having this interesting dream. It… more
Faux Fucking: This Ain’t The Real Thing
| June 1, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
The other night, after accidentally Googling something like “Oily Swedish lesbian cheerleaders have filthy whipped cream orgy in seedy motel room,” an advertisement for what appeared to be an elaborate virtual sex game, popped up on screen. “Why not take the tour,” I thought. “I’m halfway through a case of… more
Yes, There Is Such Thing As A Stupid Question (Round 5)
| May 30, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Recently I’ve noticed numerous people beaming with gleeful anticipation, barely able to contain themselves at the prospect of frolicking beneath the scorching summer sun, baking up batches of skin cancer while leaping, drunkenly, into stagnant, parasite-ridden swimming holes. One thing is for certain: Summer sure as hell doesn’t increase human… more
The Mysterious Case Of The Face And The Beer Bottle
| May 27, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Two years ago today, I found myself regaining consciousness in a driveway in the middle of the afternoon, my face atop a shattered beer bottle. I recall being concerned that I may very well have wasted the entire beverage. Anchor Steam is mighty tasty, after all. Anyway, my shirt was… more
I Love It
| May 24, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
I love it when, while I’m ignoring the shitty music on an overcrowded patio as I use my under-carbonated beer to wash down a poor attempt at greasy pub fare, I see a [obviously quite intoxicated] 30-something couple – who, as I would find out in a moment, were on… more
Hamburger Warrior
| May 17, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Last night I pulled up next to a Mustang. In it sat a 30-something asshole revving its engine to a high-pitched squeal while he snarfed a hamburger behind the wheel. Looking at it all, I understood that in his mind he views the custom red pinstripes snaking across the bright… more
Scum Whore Of London
| April 24, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
While snagging some coffee this morning, I bumped into a rather attractive dunce of an ex-girlfriend who informed me that she is now a licensed hypnotherapist specializing in “past life regressions.” This is a thirty-four year old woman who, as far as I know, still thinks the plural of mouse… more
Earth Day, Every Day
| April 22, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Today is Earth Day, which means people all around the world are singing the “Earth Day Anthem,” forming drum circles, and planting flowers in their backyards to celebrate how much we’ve fucked up the planet. Also, I saw a few of them smoke joints before randomly hugging trees. Progressive shit.… more
Stranger Conversations: The Second Experiment
| March 7, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Some time ago I wrote an article based on a perfectly twisted social experiment I performed via asking five random strangers five random, remarkably bizarre questions. Their responses were a healthy mix of bewilderment, confusion, tension, and, in a few cases, sheer terror – I took copious notes. That said,… more
Daze Of The Week
MONDAYS are comparable to suddenly having your throat slit by a toothless gutter whore under the influence of the LSD her pimp slipped into her banana split while she gave an El Salvadorian cook a blowjob in the bathroom in exchange for the thirty bucks she would later use to… more