Category: Commentary

8

Starring The Disturbed Badass And The Promiscuous Blonde‏

Promiscuous Blond: “Let’s fuck.” Disturbed Badass: “You’re a wholly artificial, despicably diseased, predictable, shallow, boorish, uneducated, unworldly, uncivilized, uncouth, and unacceptably mean-spirited excuse for a pathetically putrid dumpster whore. I detest you, your ceaseless...

11

My Bicycle Has A Motor

My name is Dick. I’m forty-five years old, married with two children, work as a regional manager for a telemarketing company, and have a gargantuan protruding stomach. My interests include Bud Light, nachos, Tiger...

10

Cyber Sluts

Recently, while I’ve been Googling things such as “Nymphomaniac Asian midgets with infected fingernail fetishes,” my computer has fallen victim to copious amounts of popups in the form of messages which are supposedly sent...

9

9/11: Remember Their Pain

Over the course of the last few days I’ve heard numerous people regurgitate the idea that weighing too heavily on the morbid nature of 9/11 in some way prevents us from moving forward as...

7

Out Of The Depths

On August 12, 2000, a quantity of highly concentrated Hydrogen peroxide leaked from a poorly wielded torpedo, making contact with an unknown amount of rust. The result: Several explosions with the combined equivalent force...

10

Observations On A Rainy Day

1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your...

11

A Greater Pain

Some weeks ago, while drunkenly chasing my hellion of a cat, Hellwood, I stubbed my toe, quite horribly, on a door jamb. The pain was immediate, excruciating, and, above all else, extraordinarily annoying. Without...

11

The Armchair Expert Olympics

The Olympics provides us with an opportunity to observe many of earth’s finest athletes scoff at the physical limitations of mere mortals while battling for honor and glory, both individually and for their countries....

9

Of Coffee And Fritos

Earlier this morning I trudged, zombie-like, into a nearby coffee chain, my brain in dire need of swift and heavy caffeination after a long night of frantic, booze-fueled writing. While waiting in line, battling...

9

A Dark (K)Night

One moment you’re sitting comfortably beside your twenty-something son in a large, crowded movie theater, popcorn and soda in hand, while the two of you peer wondrously at the silver screen as it showcases...

You’re An Atheist?!: “Give Me A Fucking Break!!” 8

You’re An Atheist?!: “Give Me A Fucking Break!!”

[youtube width=”625″ height=”544″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Aq00yJSxo[/youtube] First off, the woman in this clip is a monumentally sick, manipulative, shamelessly evil cunt of the first order; one who deserves to be ever-so-slowly drowned in a barrel of rancid...

6

From A-Z(zholes)‏

As of late, it seems that I’ve been crossing paths with a particularly hefty amount of shockingly annoying assholes, the majority of whom have come across as being comically oblivious to the sheer magnitude...

9

The Top Ten Reasons Heat Waves Suck

Lately it’s been hot; oppressively, loathsomely, horridly hot. Abominably hot. Revoltingly hot. Soul-crushingly hot. Fucking hot. That said, there are a multitude of reasons to detest the heat. Here, for instance, are ten of...

9

The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde: Session 2‏

Otto: It’s great to be here again, Dr. Clyde. I’ve really, REALLY been looking forward to this meeting. You well? Clyde: I’m marvelous. Simply marvelous. But my god, man, what on earth has happened...

6

The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde

Otto: It’s nice to see you again, Dr. Clyde. How have you been, sir? Clyde: Splendid, splendid. I must say, you’re looking well. Now, if you will kindly take a seat on the couch,...

6

Faux Fucking: This Ain’t The Real Thing

The other night, after accidentally Googling something like “Oily Swedish lesbian cheerleaders have filthy whipped cream orgy in seedy motel room,” an advertisement for what appeared to be an elaborate virtual sex game, popped...

5

Yes, There Is Such Thing As A Stupid Question (Round 5)

Recently I’ve noticed numerous people beaming with gleeful anticipation, barely able to contain themselves at the prospect of frolicking beneath the scorching summer sun, baking up batches of skin cancer while leaping, drunkenly, into...

8

The Mysterious Case Of The Face And The Beer Bottle

Two years ago today, I found myself regaining consciousness in a driveway in the middle of the afternoon, my face atop a shattered beer bottle. I recall being concerned that I may very well...

6

I Love It

I love it when, while I’m ignoring the shitty music on an overcrowded patio as I use my under-carbonated beer to wash down a poor attempt at greasy pub fare, I see a [obviously...