20 Things I Am Thankful For
1. I am thankful that I am not in jail for having been arrested for trespassing on my own property.
2. I am thankful for having an unnaturally thick skull that has saved my life from countless blows to the head (several windshields, a pool cue, concrete stairs, many fists/boots, and a barroom floor, to name a few).
3. I am thankful for understanding that dating a bipolar stripper who carries a switchblade is bad for your health.
4. I am thankful for Tabasco sauce.
5. I am thankful for for having a middle brother who loves me despite the fact that I once poured my Tabasco sauce into his ears.
6. I am thankful for a little brother who laughed when I poured that Tabasco sauce into my middle brother’s ears.
7. I am thankful for having an elf-like girlfriend who isn’t afraid to kick my shins bloody if I give her too much shit.
8. I am thankful for sex.
9. I am thankful for beer.
10. I am thankful that beer makes me better at sex, or at least makes me THINK I’m better at sex.
11. I am thankful for discovering that banging your head against the drunk tank door does not get you released any quicker.
12. I am thankful for realizing that when you drink 16 Irish Carbombs and then piss the bed, the best solution is to convince your girlfriend that she did it.
13. I am thankful for knowing that morbidly obese rednecks wearing “Tapout” shirts are much less of a threat than spiffed up geeks with something to prove.
14. I am thankful for having a reactive father whose raging outbursts have made for great family discussions.
15. I am thankful for adrenaline.
16. I am thankful for never having worked out so hard that I shit my pants….oh, wait….
17. I am thankful for having had the opportunity to use a permanent marker to draw enormous penises all over my brother’s face and neck after he drunkenly passed out in our cat’s freshly soiled litterbox.
18. I am thankful for my parents who still believe in me, even though I’ve pulled them through the fiery pits of hell.
19. I am thankful for low-carb diets.
20. I am thankful for having the wisdom to break that diet in order to make myself sick on Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for all of my readers and hope that you all have as much as I do to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving.
By Jon Neralich