A Greater Pain
Some weeks ago, while drunkenly chasing my hellion of a cat, Hellwood, I stubbed my toe, quite horribly, on a door jamb. The pain was immediate, excruciating, and, above all else, extraordinarily annoying. Without hesitation I began punching myself in the face, so as to distract my brain with a newer, greater form of suffering. It worked surprisingly well. I forgot about my toe. Now…That said, I wish Burger King, McDonald’s, Sonic, or some other shit-hole of a fast food establishment, would suddenly publicly reveal how much they detest serving double cheeseburgers to autistic albino midgets. Then, just maybe, millions of people will pass judgement on how judgmental those double cheeseburgers are, as others stuff their bloated faces with them to demonstrate how much they loathe autistic albino midgets. In the middle of all this bullshit, we’ll rant and rave about it obsessively, while simultaneously talking about how sick we are of listening to everyone else discuss it. Next we can kick things up a notch via forming unruly pro-autistic albino midget and pro-double cheeseburger parties. After bickering from a distance for a a few weeks, both will converge on the restaurants so the former can protest aggressively as the latter buys as many overflowing bags of double cheeseburgers as possible. Traffic is backed up for miles. The press swarms to the scene. Before long the volatile atmosphere transforms into a massive riot; lots of ass-kicking, window-breaking, french fry-throwing, and condiment-smearing. Perhaps the midgets show up in livid hordes, whiskey-drunk and ready to join in the carnage. Police are forced to call in the SWAT team, which will have no choice but to deploy tear gas before scooping them up with butterfly nets. Unfortunately, the midgets have Uzis, and they aren’t afraid to use them. They mow down the double cheeseburger party, who fire back with guns of their own. The SWAT team shoots everybody. Blood runs in the streets and the country rapidly begins to divide. Martial law takes effect, but we continue to destroy each other nonetheless. America becomes a suburban wasteland, with no double cheeseburgers in sight. The few autistic albino midgets who manage to survive, slowly die out. The rest of us slump in the rubble, scratching our heads in wonder. But hey, at least we’ve forgotten about all that goddamn discriminating chicken.