A State(ment) Of Absolute Stupidity
I’ve written numerous articles detailing my frustrations with the seemingly endless parade of stupid questions I encounter on a day-to-day basis, so I thought I’d take a break from said formula long enough to list some of the more shockingly dumb and/or sickeningly mundane STATEMENTS I’ve been privy to as of late.
40-something man, to his wife: “While I was on the elevator at work today it suddenly stopped moving for thirty seconds or so.”
– If the highlight of your day is describing the unexpected jolt of excitement you experienced while standing inside a motionless box for half a minute, consider punching yourself in the eyes.
20-something woman, to her girlfriend: “Putting sugar in my coffee makes it so sweet.”
– What a remarkably complex palate she must have. Does putting sugar in her tea make it spicy? Perhaps it turns her cornflakes sour? Her cookies salty? Who knew that it – sugar – could actually fucking sweeten something?
Teenager, to his buddy: “Goddamnit! I threw a rock at that cat and it ran behind a dumpster.”
– Beyond his gross inability to recognize cause and effect, what did this little prick expect? A cat that would ever-so-gracefully dodge the rock, then present him with an on-the-house hooker and her sack of crack rocks as a humble peace offering?
40-something woman, to her husband: “Yuck, I’m starting to think that having strawberry shortcake and ice cream for dinner is making me gain all this weight.”
– It’s a good thing she made this keen-minded observation, because I’m sure her husband was beginning to suspect that the act of trading dinner for dessert was on the verge of turning his wife into a goddamn supermodel.
60-something man, buying tomatoes: “You know, you can make a good sauce out of these things.”
– If I’m ever reduced to entertaining the notion that I alone am aware of the process of transforming tomatoes into sauce, just so I can strike up a conversation with a stranger, I hope someone takes pity on me via smashing my head in with a hammer.
30-something woman, talking on the phone while walking in the park: “If I took Spanish classes, I’d know how to speak Spanish.”
– Much as if I pushed her over a bridge, she’d scream and fall.
50-something man, in a Wal-Mart parking lot: “If it’s raining now it might be raining later.”
– In retrospect, I should have punched him wildly in the face while screaming “Don’t worry, I might not be doing this later!”