Another Load Of Stupid Questions
Over the course of the last several weeks my ears have been relentlessly assaulted by a geyser of insanely fucking stupid questions, some of which were simply too unfathomably asinine to, in good conscience, ignore. That said, I believe this is an opportune occasion for the fourth installment of Yes, There Is Such A Thing As A Stupid Question.
AT THE MOVIE STORE:
“Excuse me, it says here that if I buy two DVDs at regular price, the third is only a penny. Does that mean it’s free?”
– I could take a stab at cleverness and say this man has no sense about cents, but I won’t. He’s just a fucking idiot.
“I’m in a hurry. Can you recommend a comedy that won’t make me laugh too hard?”
– This suggests that the moron in question expects a total stranger to understand his backward brain well enough to immediately deduce what sort of movie will provide him with some modest chuckles, versus one that might lead to excessive giggling.
AT THE GROCERY STORE:
“Where is the aisle that has everything I need to fix my house?”
– Clearly this person has spent much of his life wandering an alternate universe in which Lowe’s, Wal-Mart, and Home Depot consolidated into one store that exists in a single aisle of a grocery store.
“These bananas are overripe. Is there something I can do about that?”
– This question assumes that a stoned teenager working in the produce section may have discovered a method to reverse the ripening process of tropical fruit.
AT A RESTAURANT:
“I want marinara sauce, but can I get the white kind?”
– This is the same lame-brained prick who thinks chowing down on Subway’s meatball sandwich, slathered with Southwest sauce and crammed with pepper jack cheese, qualifies as “Eating Italian.”
“Can I get my fried chicken baked instead?”
– This is the equivalent of asking a filthy, disease-ridden hooker if you can have a squeaky-clean, disease-free blowjob.
AT A BAR:
“Do you have any champagne that doesn’t taste like carbonated wine?”
– I would fully support a Congressional bill that grants bartenders immunity from prosecution, should they suddenly use a red hot ice tong to yank out the tongue of anyone asking such an inexcusably fucking stupid question.
“If last call is at 1:30, what happens if I’m too drunk to remember?”
– As if, in this person’s infinitesimal mind, there is a special consideration given to black-out drunks; one that earns them the privilege of ignoring last call because they were too busy projectile vomiting onto their dates’ tits.
AT THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES:
“If I don’t have any form of photo identification, can you make one for me so I can get a license?”
– This jackassed fuck-o might as well have asked for a side of batter-dipped french fries sprinkled generously with black tar heroin.
“Do I have to do the vision test if I have pink eye?”
– No comment.