Awesome Movie Scenes You’ve Never Seen
I grew up in a household that held movie watching in high esteem. My father, ever the self-proclaimed film critic, subjected my brothers and I to endless hours of watching, discussing, and re-watching everything from The Seven Samurai to The Toxic Avenger. Kurosawa to Kaufman. That said, movies are my mother’s milk; and my tastes run far and wide. So I thought I might discuss a few things that, in all my years of viewing movies, I’ve never seen grace the screen.
1. I’ve never seen a smokin’ hot neo-nazi-nurse use an enormous rusty-needle-tipped syringe to inject 50 cc’s of extra strength Liquid Plumber through the skull and into the brain of her ridiculously big-breasted, blood-spattered lover turned ravenous, drooling zombie.
2. I’ve never seen a valiant super hero, who, after an especially long, shitty day, gets tanked on 144 shots of Irish whiskey, then takes a perfectly polished stainless steel cheese grater to the face of some bratty teenage skater he overhears talking shit about his various super powers.
3. I’ve never seen a team of massive rolly derby girls, who, disillusioned by life’s harsh realities, get tripped out on large quantities of magic mushrooms and cocaine, adorn themselves with sophisticated body armor, then use uzis, hand grenades, and pitchforks to annihilate as many members of opposing teams as possible before simultaneously blowing themselves up with with the explosive devices they have wired into their purple push-up bras.
4. I’ve never seen a leading man killed within the first five minutes of a film, only to be replaced by another, more famous leading man who, 45 minutes later, is also killed, paving the way for an even more famous leading man to carry the movie to the end, at which point he dies.
5. I’ve never seen a “Sex and The City”-inspired comedy in which pea-brained, Cosmopolitan-slurping big city sluts play Gucci-themed dress up while discussing how trendy they are, then hit the streets to fuck all the dick they can, because they can, and, as a result, catch horrible, incurable, flesh-eating std’s that bring them remarkably slow, painful deaths.
6. I’ve never seen an action hero sit down with the film’s villain, half way through the movie, to have a deep nihilistic conversation which causes the hero to abandon his principles, pledge allegiance to the dark side, and then spend the rest of the movie helping the bad guy steal shit and fuck people up.
7. I’ve never seen a drop dead gorgeous, clean-cut, high-society Harvard grad climb the political ladder to become president of the United States, at which point she begins realizing her repressed psychopathic tendencies via secretly poisoning her husband to death, sport fucking everyone on Capitol Hill, then murdering, one by one, her closest advisors while simultaneously initiating a series of unprovoked attacks that will lead to nuclear war and the end of mankind.
8. I’ve never seen a transsexual albino midget pimp kicked to bloody shit by three of his long-abused amputee call girls, then covered in organic clover honey and fed to six amphetamine-injected, rabid, steroid-swollen pit bulls.
9. I’ve never seen a movie in which two blonde chicks decide to embark on a journey to discover why blond chicks have no brains, get lost along the way, meet up with the kid who played Harry Potter, eat a bunch of his Prozac, then die when the three of them fall from the London bridge while trying to play quidditch.
10. I’ve never seen a movie about an extremely cool, brilliant, musclebound red-headed fellow, who, while writing about things he’s never seen in movies, is suddenly forced to stop by his absolutely fucking evil, elf-like girlfriend who says he must let her poke his biceps with lemon-juice-dipped sewing pins if he wants his full allowance.
By Jon Neralich