From what I understand, these robotic infants are designed to mimic many of the behaviors of their flesh-and-blood counterparts. In other words, they randomly piss, shit, puke, and cry while you’re trying desperately to get some sleep. Students in human development class are expected to take one home and care for it over the course of a week, so as to better prepare themselves for squeezing out the real thing. During this time they must feed them, burp them, rock them, and change their diapers. The robots are programmed to wail at various points throughout the night. If the students refrain from dragging themselves out of bed to tend to the robots’ distress, their refusal to participate is recorded on an internal hard drive (“Subject did not change me, Subject did not feed me,” etc.) Upon discovering this neglect, the teacher subtracts points from the students’ grades. Neglect a robot too often and it will become seriously “ill,” causing one to fail that portion of the class. That said, I’m left wondering – purely in the interest of science – what, exactly, would occur if one were to 1) Drunkenly toss it off a water tower into a massive pile of thorns, 2) Enthusiastically bake it in an oven next to a plate of scrumptious nachos, 3) Proudly give it to a disease-ridden dumpster whore in exchange for a shot of HIV-tainted heroin, 4) Gleefully burn it in a handsome fireplace while masturbating to Mr. Rogers, 5) Excitedly send it down Mt. Everest on a rickety old sled, 6) Unapologetically lend it to a cannibalistic homeless man after filling his wine bottle with LSD, 7) Merrily tar and feather it before drop-kicking it into traffic, 8) Dutifully fill its diaper with rusty razor blades and angry scorpions, 9) Casually force-feed it tapioca spiked with anthrax and a crackhead’s period blood, or 10) Frantically smother it with a senior citizen’s soiled underwear, then attempt to burp it back to life? Unfortunately, as I do not have access to the whiny little bastards, these questions may go forever unanswered. Unless, of course, I should one day be lucky enough to have a baby of my own.