Christmas: The Best Worst Gifts
So Christmas is over, and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, it’s nice to reminisce with family about the time I almost gave my father a heart attack via detonating an M-60 next to his daydreaming head, celebrate a morbidly obese costumed man who breaks into your house to leave gifts you don’t need or deserve, drink eggnog and Jaeger-bombs until you begin elbowing gaping holes in the wall, and break the ol’ diet on enough artery-invading sweets to implode the hearts of a mule team; but enough is enough. To get back into the spirit of things, I thought I’d make a quick list of the best of the worst Christmas gifts you could give, in the future.
1) A stocking full of fat loss pills and McDonald’s coupons to a girlfriend who is incredibly self-conscious about her weight.
2) A Wal-Mart gift card spent down to $3.52 to an individual who lives in a state without Wal-Marts
3) 20 pounds of spicy ground pork and a deer hunting video to a sensitive vegetarian.
4) 30 two pound bags of Twizzlers to a severe diabetic.
5) A large dvd collection of seriously nasty porn and six cases of cheap American beer to a young man entering the priesthood.
6) A pair of Air Jordan’s to a kid without feet.
7) A pair of mittens to a child without hands.
8) A fully-paid family vacation to sunny Hawaii to an albino orphan.
9) A six month course in photography to a girlfriend without eyes.
10) A bucket full of Godiva chocolates to a prostitute without a stomach.
I’m glad Christmas is over.