Recently, while I’ve been Googling things such as “Nymphomaniac Asian midgets with infected fingernail fetishes,” my computer has fallen victim to copious amounts of popups in the form of messages which are supposedly sent from dumb, horny, insecure college-age babes practically begging to be taken advantage of (What could possibly be more appealing than that?). These messages are always attached to a picture of some random, markedly slutty chick flaunting her chest from the most strategic angle possible while giving her best “I live to taste penis” face. Next to all of this my town’s name flashes in big, obnoxious letters, as if it’ll actually trick my brain into thinking “Wow, I could have her hot little local ass in my bed tonight!” This leads me to think that there are indeed a plethora of sad, miserable, horrendously lonely swinging dicks, who, amid their deep-seated desperation and dark chasm of self-pity, allow themselves to believe that – rather than interacting with a computer program – they’re actually fraternizing with an actual hometown whore who genuinely wants to fuck their miniscule brains out….If only they’ll pay a fee to join whatever social networking site is being advertised, to continue the “conversation.” As bleak as that may be, it doesn’t have to be. One can, in fact, have a bit of fun. The following is a chat I had with one such “girl”:
CuteMel (21:29): hi :)
CuteMel (21:30): how come no one wants to talk with me here?!
CuteMel (21:30): Hellooooo…
Me (21:30): I can’t wait to bury your festering head underneath my porch after I’ve ravaged your body with a moldy razor blade, you foul excuse for a gutter whore.
CuteMel (21:31): is there something wrong with me? what do you think?
CuteMel (21:31): anyone there…
Me (21:31): Yeah, you’re fucked in the head. So let me cut it off (your head, you ugly snake).
CuteMel (21:31): wow, great, finally someone who wants to chat :)
CuteMel (21:31): so, why are you here? wanna meet cute girls, hm? :)
Me (21:32): I want to slice open their bellies and stuff them with dead cockroaches.
Me (21:32): Bitch.
CuteMel (21:32): am i cute enough? :))))))
CuteMel (21:33): say something baby…
Me (21:33): If by “cute” you mean “So unfathomably fucking ugly that you should burn your face off on a red hot stove, then jump from a highly-elevated bridge onto a large metal spike,” then, yes, you’re cute.
CuteMel (21:33): i wanna see your pics..and ill give you mine :)
CuteMel (21:33): hey, you can see link to my profile…add me
CuteMel (21:33): i have to go now to study…hope ill see you later
Me (21:34): Die, dumpster slut.
CuteMel (21:34): oh yeah, i forgot to ask…im from fayetteville, you?
CuteMel (21:34): …
Me (21:34): I live in a cardboard box in your backyard. I’m watching you right now while sharpening my rusty butcher knife and thinking about rotting kittens.
CuteMel (21:35): wow, awesome :) Now you really have to add me :))))