Daze Of The Week
MONDAYS are comparable to suddenly having your throat slit by a toothless gutter whore under the influence of the LSD her pimp slipped into her banana split while she gave an El Salvadorian cook a rim job in the bathroom in exchange for the thirty bucks she would later use to overdose on some filthy heroin sold by a fucking loser named T-Bag whose mother often dropped him on his head.
TUESDAYS are a lot like finding a twenty dollar bill after horribly twisting your ankle while running from a one-legged albino stripper who is crawling after you with an ice pick because you puked up a night’s worth of Corona and tongue tacos onto her milky breasts.
WEDNESDAYS are similar to contracting chlamydia after having a twelve hour, appallingly kinky sex marathon with an astoundingly gorgeous female doctor who is more than willing to prescribe you the antibiotic treatment in exchange for piercing your anus.
THURSDAYS are not dissimilar from winning the lottery after having one of your testicles ripped off and devoured by a psychotic mental patient who mistook it for a chocolate-coated Easter egg.
FRIDAYS resemble a large, locked room chock-full of beer, bacon, nachos, cocaine, Jagermeister, donuts, and high-dollar prostitutes injected with high-powered aphrodisiacs – to which you’ve just found the long-lost key.
SATURDAYS are akin to an endless morning of Tom and Jerry, Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote, blowjobs, mimosas, Count Chocula, Lucky Charms, a bedpan, and a slutty, non-English-speaking maid to wipe your backside before bringing you fresh milk for your cereal.
SUNDAYS are being nailed to a giant cross after having your kneecaps drilled in, acid thrown on your crotch, hammers taken to your toes, and barbed wire wrapped around your head while everyone else pretends that watching a football game somehow makes up for it.