Dear Jonny, Resolutions?
What are your New Year’s resolutions?
New Year’s resolutions are, for the most part, extraordinarily fucking stupid and entirely ineffective (which is something I’ll cover in tomorrow’s article). But just for shits and giggles, here are my top 5 for this year.
1. I need to increase my consumption of alcohol. Heavier, more frequently, and with much less discretion. I should escape reality more intensely, puke up my paychecks as frequently as possible, and attempt, at all costs, to melt my liver. Booze must be the focal point of my life.
2. I have to take up smoking. And not just when I’m drinking (which will be a lot more; see above). Fuck lungs, those pink, overrated bastards. I won’t be satisfied until I’m smoking through a hole in my neck while coughing up thick, slippery chunks of black, tarry blood.
3. I should go to the gym a lot less. What the fuck is the point of keeping in shape when I eventually have to die? Do the maggots that will some day eat my brain really give two shits about the prominence of my abdominal muscles and/or my cardiovascular endurance?
4. I need a much unhealthier diet. Hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs, sodas, and fried chicken should be the cornerstone of my eating schedule. This is America, and I need to be fat, diabetic, and on medication for high cholesterol and blood pressure.
5. I must commit more random acts of rudeness. Why the hell should I give strangers any form of respect? I don’t know them, which means they certainly haven’t earned it. And if they expect something from me without having first earned their worthiness, they’re self-serving pieces of shit. And you should be rude to shit.
Happy New Year.