Earth Day, Every Day
Today is Earth Day, which means people all around the world are singing the “Earth Day Anthem,” forming drum circles, and planting flowers in their backyards to celebrate how much we’ve fucked up the planet. Also, I saw a few of them smoke joints before randomly hugging trees. Progressive shit. Here, for instance, are ten of the most memorable statements I’ve heard over the course of Earth Week, as well as my thoughts on each one.
“I think the problem is with the people, man. We change the people, and the planet will take care of itself.”
– This might have been cool coming from a twenty-something radical environmentalist tripping acid while listening to Creedence at the original Woodstock, but not from a twenty-something neo-hippie drinking Starbucks at Hastings while thumbing through Simon and Garfunkel.
“These trees are just so full of love.”
– No. They’re full of wood, chlorophyll, and sap.
“If we tell more people about Earth Day, more people will know about it.”
– Pure genius.
“Almost everything my little Julie wears – even her diapers – are made of bamboo. We have to special order everything, so I’ve more than done my part.”
– Who knew that yuppie insects did so much to save the world?
“We religiously recycle, you know, but we’ve found that most places won’t take our yogurt containers. I guess we’ll have to start making our own (yogurt).”
– This is actually a good thing. As long as she’s at home creating yogurt, she’ll be out of my way at the grocery store.
“This summer we’re taking out loans so we can convert our old Volkswagons. They’re going to run on recycled olive oil.”
– Good luck finding a bank for that.
“I’m starting a blog that will celebrate my efforts to reduce my carbon footprint.”
– Frankly, anyone sufficiently self-involved to even THINK of saying this should be transformed entirely into greenhouse gas via being tossed into an erupting volcano.
“My cat gave birth to a litter of beautiful kittens today. On Earth Day. This means something.”
– Yes. It means your cat had kittens on April 22, and you’re a fucking idiot.
“It’s no coincidence that mother nature gave us such beautiful weather on this day. Her day. Earth Day.”
– This is the statement of a monumentally egocentric, painfully oblivious shitheel who needed to be instantly teleported to either the middle of the Sahara, or a remote ice floe in Antarctica.
“If we can all figure out how to have Earth Day every day, we may have found a solution.”