As of late, it seems that I’ve been crossing paths with a particularly hefty amount of shockingly annoying assholes, the majority of whom have come across as being comically oblivious to the sheer magnitude of their assholery. That said, here is a list of 26 such people; from A to Z.
A – “Artists” who intentionally fuck themselves up, then blame it on their untameable artistic impulses so they can get by on producing lackluster art while both garnering sympathy (mostly from other “artists”) and avoiding responsibility.
B – Bartenders who proudly flash sanctimonious smirks in the face of drunken customers making asses of themselves, as if pretending they’ve never engaged in similar behavior on the opposite side of the bar, somehow lends them credibility in the morality department.
C – Cunts who nearly run several cars off the road while attempting to dry a handful of their hair with a Bic lighter.
D – Door-to-door salesmen who say “I know what you’re thinking. It’s my job to tell you that I’m selling a superior product. But believe me when I say that what I’ve got here is ACTUALLY superior.”
E – Environmentalists who, while in the midst of a heated discussion about the environment, say “Don’t expect to get a rise out of me, because I’m too in touch with nature to get angry at someone who isn’t.”
F – Football players who integrate the game into their life philosophies via constantly saying shit like “If we want to achieve touchdowns in life, we have to conquer the field one down at a time.”
G – Gamblers who automatically assume that their friends and acquaintances are perpetually impressed by hearing how rough-and-tumble their existences are as a result of guzzling too many Crown and Cokes before handing their paychecks to the casino.
H – Herbalists who showcase condescending expressions after customers ask what they perceive as stupid questions, as if possessing the knowledge that goldenseal can alleviate the symptoms of explosive diarrhea somehow places them in the same category as the Dalai Lama.
I – Insurers who sport tremendously fake smiles before saying “Remember that here, at so and so, we like to think of ALL of our customers as family.”
J – Juicer fanatics who dedicate the vast majority of their free time to giving long-winded sermons about how drinking fifty glasses of celery juice, per day, completely changed their lives.
K – Karate practitioners who, after five or six drinks, begin to brag about how their extreme board-chopping skills are a testament to the lethal nature of their fists.
L – Lifeguards who constantly blow their whistles at imagined poolside infractions, while reading Baywatch: The Official Scrapbook, from behind five hundred dollar sunglasses.
M – Mothers who reward their screaming, snot-nosed little children with candy bars and energy drinks, just to get them to shut the fuck up while standing in line at the grocery store.
N – Neighbors who have their screaming, snot-nosed little children drop by to “borrow” a cup of sugar, two cups of milk, and half a dozen eggs.
O – Optometrists who say “An eye for an eye, and we’d all be blind,” as if it has a single fucking thing to do with optometry.
P – Painters who wear self-made t-shirts stenciled with: “YOUR LIFE IMITATES MY ART.”
Q – Quizno’s employees who believe that being absolutely stoned as a result of hating their jobs, absolves them of their responsibility to refrain from drooling all over customers’ sandwiches.
R – Radio DJ’s who, in person, use their cheesy, over-exaggerated radio voices to discuss what, exactly, makes their voices special enough to be on the radio.
S – Street vendors who, while dressing pale white hot dogs on their dirty, messy, condiment-smeared foods carts, say “I always use the best of everything.”
T – Teachers who say “Think of me as an angel in disguise.”
U – U.S. Representatives who say “Trust me.”
V – Veterinarians who make jokes about being pussy doctors.
W – Wal-mart employees stationed in the “returns” department, who, as a result of working for a corporation that views them as disposable insects, make each and every return process as difficult, time-consuming, and unpleasant as possible.
X – X-ray technicians who are under the impression that saying “I’ve been told I can see through everything,” leaves them looking witty.
Y – Yard sale enthusiasts who consider it ceaselessly interesting to tell everyone they meet that they’re suburban treasure hunters.
Z – Zookeepers who, thinking themselves clever, imitate the late Steve Irwin by saying “Crikey” in an unintentionally horrible Australian accent.