Why was Forrest Gump’s mother as hopelessly idiotic as her son? Because of her lame-brained contention that looking at someone’s shoes tells you where they’re going and where they’ve been. Case in point: a man wearing perfectly polished Italian loafers may be on the way to murder his family with a rusty hatchet after having just enjoyed a meal of escargot and goose liver while cowering in a decrepit dumpster.
That said, if you really want the lowdown on someone these days, you don’t stare at their footwear; rather, you take a good look at their digital footprint. For instance, if one were to investigate my Google history for the last week, he/she would discover, among many other things, searches for the following: perfect Puerto Rican asses, signs that your cat is a genius, disturbing French extreme cinema, insane bodybuilding routines, the best sandwiches ever made, the drug habits of history’s most influentual minds, evidence of spontaneous human combustion, bomb shelters converted into homes, Tabasco sauce addiction, the world record for chugging Tabasco, obscure serial killers, the most haunting missing persons cases, brilliant housecats, the most complicated concepts in physics, how to properly make a s’more, the deadliest diseases known to man, the most isolated tribes on earth, the world’s deepest holes, sexy upskirt shots, how well does incognito mode work, celebrity overdoses, islands where cannibals exist, what did pirates eat, the probability that the human race will destroy itself, trench warfare at its worst, highest cat IQ, scariest plane crashes, feminism and penis envy, famous last meals, how to make alcoholic root beer, the easiest way to kill someone with your bare hands, how much sea water can you drink before you die, perfect nachos, cartel beheading videos, the most beautiful flower in existence, bizarre psychiatric conditions, cat prodigies, the largest carnivorous plants, the most dangerous prisons on earth, veganism is for cowards, going off the grid, experiments done in support of the theory of the multiverse, could you take down a charging Tyrannosauras with an M16, narcissism is sexy, how quickly would you die from a submarine implosion, Thoreau was a fraud, the benefits of using wipes instead of toilet paper, and Egyptian cat worship.
Now I ask you…What does your search history say about YOU?