How To Trick A Woman Into Loving You
Every once in a while a man winds up with the sort of especially unpleasant woman who, for whatever multitude of reasons, deserves to be manipulated into believing that he loves her – when, in fact, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Constructing this illusion will cause her to shower him with with all sorts of cool shit, such as endless sex and plenty of steak and beer. This task is especially easy if the man in question is or has been an asshole, as the paradoxical nature of a few not-so-random, ever-so-sly acts of kindness and affection will, in all likelihood, short-circuit her brain with a chemical cascade of feel-good hormones. The resulting confusion will jolt her into a very basic, “I want to breed” mentality, which is no different than saying that she’ll “love” you. At this point the man is free to capitalize on her newfound generosity. In fact, if he so chooses, he can keep her perpetually generous and in love via indulging her with one or two impromptu gestures of sweetness per week. That said, let’s get down to some examples of how, exactly, one is to pull this off.
1. Purchase a Cherry Limeade Chiller from Sonic. Place it into a blender and throw the cup far away. Add a few shots of cherry-flavored vodka. Blend. Place the mixture into a fancy glass with two spoons. Put into freezer. Visit the gym with your girlfriend. After the workout, return home and serve your girlfriend the beverage after explaining to her that it’s a low fat, organic-honey-sweetened, vitamin-enriched concoction that you devised for her after much trial and error, because – and this line is very important – you are “beginning to understand how important it is to be healthy and look good.” Do not mention the alcohol. Watch her melt.
2. Purchase some extra cheap summer sausage and generic brand cheese from your local grocery store. Swing by the liquor store and pick up the cheapest bottle of red wine available. Return home and print off an extremely fancy wine label. Remove label from shitty red wine and glue your fancy new label onto the bottle. Suggest to your girlfriend that you’d like to go on a romantic, Italian-style picnic. Take her car, to save gas money, then spread out on a blanket somewhere with grass. Get her drunk on the bad red wine while explaining that it’s from a winery you’re seriously thinking about acquiring. Then serve her the cheap summer sausage and generic cheese. She’ll be too drunk to notice the inferior quality, but the romantic nature of the outing will flip her switch.
3. Tell your girlfriend that you’d like to forgo a Friday night of drinking beer with the guys in favor of watching movies of her choosing while eating popcorn, downing girly wine coolers, and relaxing on pillows and blankets spread out across the floor. Suggest such titles as “Titanic,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” and “Thelma And Louise.” Then go out and buy a large bottle of whiskey, some fruity wine coolers, and a box of microwaveable cheddar cheese-flavored popcorn. When you return, hide the whiskey in the kitchen and pop the cork. Notice that she now believes your intentions to be genuine. Then watch her eyes radiate with love. Next, get the first piece of shit movie started. Open a wine cooler and pretend to drink it. Every fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room, pour out some of the wine cooler, and take a fat slug of whiskey. This will keep you from going insane long enough to ensure that everything falls into place.
4. Find a female co-worker who is willing to call your phone from an anonymous number while you’re out with your girlfriend. Have your co-worker agree to impersonate a [non-existent] gorgeous ex-girlfriend who has somehow gotten your number in an attempt to lure you back into a sexual relationship, due to the fact that sex with you is something she’s come to realize she can’t live without. Make sure your girlfriend hears this herself (after she’s grabbed the phone out of your hand to scream into it). After the conversation, wipe away your girlfriend’s insecurities by assuring her that she is incomparably better in bed than your crazy ex-model girlfriend.
That’s a damn good start…