Keep It To Yourself
Recently I wrote a second article strongly supporting the notion that there are indeed such things as stupid questions. While eavesdropping to gather evidence to support my case, my ears were overwhelmed with numerous achingly mundane, mindless exchanges. The following are the most frustrating of the lot, coupled with my abbreviated thoughts:
Wife to husband, describing her sister’s recent outing to Red Lobster: “So the cheddar biscuits were unbelievably stale. The waiter was very rude about switching them out, but finally he did. But this time they were SOGGY and smelled like Sprite, so she thought someone in the kitchen poured it on there. Probably the waiter.” “Woah, that’s nuts! What did she do?” “Well, she sent them back a second time and when the next batch came out everything seemed alright until she found one that was broken in half and had something that may have been spit smeared inside it!”
– Anyone who gets excited over someone else’s cheese biscuit misadventure should probably just go ahead and guzzle bleach.
80-something woman recounting a grocery store fiasco to her 90-something husband: “And then I looked down and saw that I had Potatoes O’Brien in the cart instead of your hash browns. It has those bad little green peppers in it that do that thing to your stomach, so I had to go all the way back to frozen foods.” “Did you find the right potato?” “Yes, Bill, it was your breakfast.”
– If your existence revolves around encountering bad peppers while on a quest for a right potato that you can’t remember eating, go ahead and put that second foot in the grave.
Two blonde women getting philosophical about life: “So he thinks that I don’t think about things hard enough, but really I don’t think he understands how much I really think when there’s a lot to think about. Like when I have a paper due or something, then I have to think really hard about stuff. Other times I don’t think there’s much reason to think, because there’s other shit to do.” “I think I know exactly what you mean. I think sometimes there just isn’t time to think.” “I think you’re right.”
– If this sort of thinking is the extent of your intellectual power, do the gene pool a favor and leap from a highly-elevated bridge.
Boyfriend and girlfriend discussing a conversation he had with a coworker: “It was sort of weird because every time I mentioned something about applying for the position he changed the subject and started eating sunflower seeds and talking about his golf game.” “What does that mean?” “I think it means he was nervous because the last time he suddenly started doing that we were talking about what it would feel like to be laid off. So maybe he wants to apply for the position too but is nervous because he thinks I’ll get it instead of him.”
– Golf, sunflower seeds, and armchair psychology. If your relationship is reduced to this, see what I said about bleach.
Housewife lamenting to her teenage son about the difficulties of her life: “That’s the second time this month I’ve had to reschedule with my therapist because you won’t buckle down and study for your driving test. Do I look like a taxi service? Do I NOT look like I have issues? Do you have ANY idea what it’s like to keep an entire household clean, maintain a social life, AND deal with your father? Of course you don’t. You’re just a child.” “But Moooom, you said you’d take me to get a new iPod.” “Shut up and get in the car.”