Natural Food For Thought
I appreciate fresh, high quality food, which often leads me to shop at a local “natural” food store. They have a lot of what I need, and much of what I don’t. I tend to enter the building very quickly, pick up my groceries in a focused, strategic manner, and then beeline for the register; interaction is minimal. The store’s customers are primarily old hippies turned neo-yuppies and young neo-yuppies pretending to be neo-hippies. While some of the employees seem nice (or maybe just high), the majority of them come across as surly young men and women who, because they don’t yet have the money to join the ranks of their customers, feign a sort of frustrated superiority via aggressively touting the benefits of an organic lifestyle. That said, between the workers and the shoppers I’ve heard some of the dumbest, weirdest, most random and pretentious shit of my life. Here are some examples, along with my afterthoughts.
“That’s what you don’t understand about avocados. They’re your best friend. You can mix them with rice and corn.”
– What does this even mean? If I don’t know that avocados can be mixed with rice and corn, then they aren’t my best friend, which means I don’t understand them? What about foods that can’t be mixed with rice and corn? Are they my worst enemy? Does that mean I then understand them? How complex is a fucking avocado?
“And you see, this formula contains the organic form of spirulina, which is important because it repairs cells on a cellular level. It’s healthier than anything.”
– Does that mean non-organic spirulina isn’t important because it won’t repair cells on a cellular level? Will it repair them on a non-cellular level, or not at all? What if I have a big fucking problem with having my cells repaired on a cellular level? What if non-cellular repair is my thing? And how the crap do you prove that something is “healthier than anything?”
“I’ve noticed that our cats’ moods are more affectionate if they’ve been eating free range eggs for a week or longer.”
– Why the hell are their cats eating eggs? Do they scramble the eggs? Is that all the cats eat? Do they keep weekly records of the cats’ moods? If so, if they attribute an affectionate trend to a certain type of egg, then why would they feed them anything else? Do they enjoy these weird experiments? Are they fucking Nazis? What do they feed their dogs?
“She’s still putting Jiffy peanut butter sandwiches and pudding cups in her son’s lunch box. I just can’t understand it. That poor woman. That poor kid.”
– So making her son sandwiches with “natural” unsweetened peanut butter while simultaneously replacing the pudding cup with a carton of organic yogurt would suddenly improve the character of this woman, increase the well-being of her son, and strengthen their overall relationship? Does publicly discussing the inferior ingredients of a child’s lunch box somehow reinforce the superior mothering instincts of women who spread their sons’ bread with additive-free peanut butter? Is their pity a sign of having achieved enlightenment? Shouldn’t we be able to punch them in the fucking neck?
“Kale. Carrots. Apples. Beets. Those are what go into my juicer, and I’ve been drinking the concoction for almost five months. Other than that, it’s just my organic honey and my rice cakes. My doctor told me I’m crazy, that I need more fat in my diet, so I started back with the chocolate ice cream. Just one big bowl a day. I feel like shit, but the weight still seems to be coming off.”
– No comment necessary.