Observations On A Rainy Day
1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your eyes rolled back in your head, before saying: “If you’re interested in peeling an extra ripe banana, meet me in produce and I’ll lick your melons dry.”
2. If, while sauntering through the parking lot of that same grocery store, you kindly offer to carry an old woman’s groceries as you shield her from the downpour with your trusty umbrella, she might not offer you a quarter for “that soda pop machine,” if, after stealing her Raspberry Fig Newtons for your afternoon snack, you knock out her dentures with a swift elbow to the face, then say “I boiled my grandmother because she looked just like you.”
3. Peering at a grey, cloudy, rainy sky while guzzling the blood of virgins, is a lot less unappealing than staring at a blue, cloudless, sunny sky while sipping the blood of STD-ridden crack whores.
4. Just because it’s thundering repeatedly doesn’t mean the local police department will offer you a get-out-of-jail-free card, if, after using a dull hack saw to decapitate six tellers during a bank robbery gone awry, you release a hostage to inform the chief of police that you’ve been having anal sex marathons with his wife, at Motel 6, while eating his secret stash of Krispy Kreme donuts.
5. If, while driving under the influence of magic mushrooms and moonshine, a sudden flash of lightning causes you to veer into the opposite lane, pretending to be a mentally handicapped Albanian albino anemone in search of his sadomasochistic sea urchin lover, will not result in the sixteen wheeler swerving out of the way because its driver has a soft spot for Finding Nemo.
6. Singing “Singin’ in the Rain” after watching the end of Old Yeller, eighty times in a row, won’t make it any less fun to set your girlfriend’s rabid sugar gliders on fire while she cooks the filet mignon you stole from a double-amputee stripper’s dead grandfather’s deep freeze.
7. Reading Ray Bradbury’s ‘A Sound of Thunder,’ while listening to the sound of thunder, will not increase your intelligence, particularly if your idea of intelligence is: “Hmmm, I think the pale, plump, prison-tattoo-covered woman who chain-smokes unfiltered Camels in the break room while washing down deep-fried pickled pigs feet with Diet Peach Snapple, might just be wife material….”
8. Greeting your wife upon returning home from work via playfully splashing with her in a large rain puddle, will not make it any less painful when, later that night, she injects Liquid Plumber into your scrotum, while you sleep, because she secretly saw you bury her long-missing little sister beneath your backyard putting green.
9. If, in a mortuary, you walk in on your girlfriend while she’s giving an inspired blowjob to your dead uncle’s corpse, waiting until after the funeral to throw a beaker of sulfuric acid onto her head while she’s humming “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head,” is quite a bit more cool than immediately shooting her through the heart while you hum “Shot Through The Heart.”
10. Any man who’s ever said “Rainy days should be all about drinking hot cocoa to the comforting pit-pat of raindrops against the windowsill while having a nice, long cuddle with that special someone in a big, comfy bed,” needs to be kicked in the fucking teeth.