Of Sprite Robots And Fat Kids
[youtube width=”525″ height=”444″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6Y8KioAaSg[/youtube]
Anyone possessing even the slightest degree of intelligence should have the following thought pass through their brain after seeing this advertisement: “Well, that was some fucking stupid bullshit.” Unfortunately, most people are shockingly stupid and frighteningly impressionable, including the morbidly obese teenager I saw watching this commercial while guzzling Sprite from a sweaty two liter bottle clutched in his ham-like hands. Between massive, audible gulps his dilated pupils darted from soda bottle to television while he smiled gleefully, as if emulating the on-screen behavior somehow lended his very existence a palpable sense of coolness and credibility. That interested me. Just what, exactly, was he seeing? I decided to look a bit more closely. After plopping myself in front of a computer I attempted to assume the emotional and psychological identity of someone young and dumb, then re-watched the advertisement several times. My interpretation of its message, in that mindset, was simple and straightforward: Drinking Sprite will bring out your inner cool. But I wasn’t content with that. It was too clean, simple, and neat. So I watched it one more time, very carefully – through my own eyes – and came up with something a bit more sinister: Drinking carbonated, artificially flavored sugar water will reconfigure you from the inside out, subjecting you to a swift, robotic metamorphosis that suddenly and completely infuses you with enough effervescent inspiration, talent, and confidence to spew lyrics like “Last name Ever, first name Greatest, Like a sprained ankle, boy, I ain’t nothing to play with.” At once I understood. The reality of drinking soda to improve your life is a stupid fat kid watching someone famous turn into a Sprite robot so he can claim greatness while both comparing himself to an injured ankle and shouting double negatives to establish his toughness. This world is doomed.