Pick Up Lines That Work
So the next time you’re in a bar, looking for some raunchy late night sex from an upper tier Gucci-knockoff-wearing bar fly who majors in psychology, thinks she’s smart, and pretends to have standards, try on one of these pick up lines. I’ve used them all, and they worked more often than they didn’t. *
“Tell me about yourself.” – This leads her to believe that you actually give two flying monkey shits about what she has to say, which makes her feel important, which throws her off guard, which leads you to your next comment. “Interesting. Tell me more.” This subconsciously reaffirms her earlier notion that you’re interested in something other than getting laid, which will get you laid, which feels good. For extra fun, slip out before she wakes up and leave a note that says “I outsmarted you.”
“You have something that these other girls don’t.” This will flatter her while simultaneously arousing a degree of suspicion. Do away with the latter by saying “They look like they’re ready to settle for anyone, and a lack of standards is a total turnoff, don’t you agree?” Here, you’ve trapped her. She can’t disagree without coming across as a slut, which she almost certainly is, but even tipsy hoe-bags enjoy flattery. Later, after you’ve ravaged her, the endorphins wear off, and you begin to dislike everything about her face, say something like “I hate you,” then promptly leave.
“Buy me a drink, and I’ll buy you breakfast.” At this, she’ll laugh. Her lushy brain will think that you’re a sarcastic, fun-loving guy who likes to have a good, tongue-in-cheek sort of time. She’ll probably buy you the drink. Later, buy her one (make sure it’s a well). She’ll say something like “What about breakfast?” Say “Ok, but it’s gonna cost you another drink.” Which she’ll buy you. Ask for a shot of something strong, and insist that she take one with you. Later, after sex, purchase her a sausage biscuit from the McDonald’s drive-thru, but don’t spring for hashbrowns.
“Every time I come to this place, I go home alone.” Here, she’ll take pity on you while simultaneously filing you under “Loser.” But perform a quick follow-up by saying “And I go home alone because there’s no challenge. I can leave with anyone.” This, in turn, will leave her feeling challenged, throw her off a bit, and cause her tipsy brain to think “This guy is confident or an asshole or both.” Order something manly, like a Jack and Coke, then put on a face that makes you look as if you’re writing complicated poetry in your head. Under no circumstances should you buy her a drink. Don’t be too distant, but be short and avoid politeness. Project superiority. Later, when she’s in the shower, flush the toilet to give her a quick freeze, then quickly go through her fridge and take any good cuts of steak or fish.
While sitting at the bar, let her overhear you engaging in a fake cell phone conversation in which you’re supposedly speaking in a dominant tone with a prominent politician. After you hang up, order a Sky vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, then give her a wide, cocky grin and explain how, as THE “go to guy” that you are, it’s just so incredibly easy to win elections for big-named politicians who are really nothing more than helpless puppets in the hands of guys like you. Stay vague, but have a shiny metal brief case with you, a cool Zippo, smoke aromatic cloves, and fake several more phone calls over the course of an hour. Later, sneak out of her bed and leave a note that says “Ha ha. I work at Taco Bell.”
“That ugly dress would look a lot better crumpled up on my bed than it does on your weird, lumpy body.” Actually, I don’t recommend this one unless you enjoy having a tequila sunrise thrown in your eyes.
* These lines work best if you’re the biggest, strongest, and smartest badass in the room.