The 2013 film, The Purge, is a classic case of a refreshingly intense and original idea ruined by uninspired writing, cringe-worthy cliches, and distinctly lackluster performances. However, its basic premise – that the fundamental facets of society have been vastly improved by a once per year free-for-all during which crime is officially legalized – leaves me considering the notion that modern day America would take a striking turn for the better if, one night a year, it were completely legal to bitch-slap stupid pricks. This phenomenon could include lucrative financial incentives from the government; the more you bitch-slap with reckless abandon, the greater the rewards (for example, bitch-slapping a single stupid prick would earn you a plate of crab cakes and a beer with the president, whereas a covert surprise attack involving a barrage of bitch-slaps visited upon a horde of unsuspecting stupid pricks would land you a cushy government job and a marathon fuck session with the celebrity of your choice). In exchange for an undisclosed sum I would volunteer to head a committee that defines the criteria for being a stupid prick (more on that in a moment). Non-stupid-pricks would have ample opportunity – 364 days per year, in fact – to toughen up their bitch-slapping hand via building rock-hard, punishing callousness while developing expertly crafted bitch-slapping technique. That said, while it’s unfortunate that bitch-slapping isn’t a fatal practice and therefore cannot chlorinate the gene pool in the Darwinian sense, widespread public shame and boundless ridicule would almost certainly send the bitch-slapees into permanent hiding, which would greatly reduce the likelihood of their producing offspring, which would ultimately thin out the stupid prick herd. Having established the sheer brilliance and practicality of my idea, here, in no particular order, are some (but not nearly all) of the stupid pricks I’d go out of my way to bitch-slap on such a glorious occasion: 1) adults on Facebook who, despite spending most of their time trying to convince one another that they’re hip and cool, come across as desperate, infantile, drama-driven nerds, 2) women who think being tired and/or hungry is a valid excuse for frequently reveling in emotional psychosis, 3) self-proclaimed Paleo Warriors who believe gorging on beef jerky instead of donuts makes them extreme, clever, and interesting, 4) anyone who believes that immersing themselves into the college town bar scene automatically means their whiny, repetitive and painfully bland social observations are worth discussing ad nauseam, 5) men named Blaise, Cameron, Willow, Tristan, Todd, Dana, or Bentley, 6) drunken imbeciles who are intentionally loud, rude and/or condescending at fast food drive-thrus, 7) obvious sluts who constantly complain about being used by men despite dressing like cheap hookers in heat, 8) belligerent armchair experts who know more about the flavors of the crumbs on their shirts than anything else they claim to understand, 9) perpetually miserable and unpleasant couples who elect to stay together because they’re worried about how their equally unhappy acquaintances would perceive the breakup, and 10) all people who flagrantly bastardize the English language because remaining a willfully ignorant, stupid prick is far easier than pursuing an intelligent existence. Given the chance, which stupid pricks would you bitch-slap?