Seven Things You Can Say To Ruin A Woman’s Valentine’s Day
Seven Things You Can Say To Ruin A Woman’s Valentine’s Day.
1. I really, really planned to buy you some of those little candy hearts with the cute expressions written on them, but I wasn’t sure if they came in fat-free.
2. This dinner reminds me a lot of the unbelievably romantic meal my brilliant, beautiful, sexually talented ex-girlfriend prepared me last Valentine’s day, except she knew how to cook a steak that wouldn’t make me vomit.
3. I was going to ignore my seething hatred of this grossly commercial holiday long enough to pick you up a nice piece of chocolate, but then I remembered your face.
4. I know you were expecting some flowers as a heartfelt reminder that you’re special to me, but as you can see, the cheap plastic vase in my hand is empty.
5. Earlier this afternoon I sat down to write you a clever, thoughtful poem, but this is all I could come up with: “Roses are red, violets are blue, Valentine’s Day sucks, and so do you. Actually, come to think of it, you don’t suck at all. You slobber. Your blowjobs are simply awful, which is ironic, because your sister gives the best head imaginable.”
6. I seriously considered dressing as Cupid to make this Valentine’s Day light-hearted and sweet. Unfortunately, I got sidetracked drowning your cats in boiling Kool-Aid.
7. I hope you don’t mind, but I sold the dazzling heart-shaped necklace I intended to give you today, so that you’d have some money to treat the horrendous incurable std I plan to give you tonight.