1. If, fifteen minutes earlier, under the cover of night, you took a nice, long beer piss in the the portion of the neighbor’s yard that you now see a mother and her children gathering snow from – snow for snow ice cream – do you tell them?
2. Is it just a coincidence that both women and snowstorms are beautiful on the surface yet will kill you with their coldness? That if either of them hang around too long, they’ll keep you from leaving the house?
3. If you witness a grown man throwing large snowballs at vehicles attempting to navigate a ridiculously dangerous, completely iced-over stretch of road, do you run him over and then tell the police you lost control of your car?
4. If your neighbor, a bartender, comes over during a blinding snowstorm and says “Look, man, I know the roads are terrible and all, but I have to get to work, my job is important, and I don’t really feel like driving my new car in these conditions. Will you take me?,” should you punch him in the face?
5. If you drink a case of beer, then go sledding down steep public streets, should you get a DWI?
6. If that drunken sledder slams into your two year-old daughter while traveling at 60 mph, killing her instantly, should there be a law that allows you to decapitate him with a snow shovel if you can build an igloo faster than he can?
7. If you see a half-blind great-great-grandfather type gassing up his enormous Buick to go on a leisurely drive during a furious snowstorm, ask him if he should really be driving, then hear him say “I’ll fuck your wife, you young little cocksucker!!,” should you be able to incapacitate him with chloroform, throw him into a four wheel drive, then take him to a nursing home?
8. If your girlfriend spends three whole days making a family of perfect snowmen, then throws away your hot chocolate with marshmallows when you tell her that the mittens she’s wearing make her hands look fat, is it ok to destroy the large collection of porcelain dolphins her great-grandmother gave her on her deathbed?
9. If you should slip on the icy sidewalk in front of your apartment building, breaking the 36 jars of smooth organic cashew butter you just stole from the homeless man who sleeps in the community dumpster, should you be allowed to pierce your landlord’s kneecaps with red hot drill bits dipped in sulfuric acid?
10. If your wife makes the mistake of burning your toast while she’s simultaneously ironing your socks, recording your favorite television shows, and writing songs about how much better you are than her, should you be allowed to force her to shovel snow from the driveways of every neighbor in a three-block radius?