Strike Three: More Stupid Questions
Recently I’ve been keeping my ears tuned to the frequency of other people’s stupidity, so my cup of their ever-increasing dumbass questions has officially runneth over. That said, it’s high time for the third installment of Yes, There Is Such A Thing As A Stupid Question.
IN THE GROCERY STORE:
“Is there real vanilla extract in this imitation vanilla extract?”
– To make this inquiry with a straight face is a telltale sign that your brain is infested with jackass. It’s the rough equivalent of asking a woman with breast implants if there are real boobs in her fake tits.
“Does instant rice cook quicker than the normal stuff?”
– Based on the nature of this question, this utter asshole has honestly considered the possibility that instant rice takes LONGER to prepare than the regular kind.
AT THE GYM:
“If I only work out the left side of my body, will the right side be weaker?”
– This is inexcusably, preternaturally stupid. In fact, it’s comparable to asking “Hey, if I only water half my plants, will the other half die?”
“If I’m really dehydrated after a night of drinking, is it safe to drink water during a workout?”
– A hangover is a state of dehydration. Working out dehydrates you. So if you’re working out while hungover, why the hell would it be dangerous to drink water?
AT THE DRIVE-THRU:
“It says you guys don’t serve lunch until 11:30. It’s 11:15 now. Are you serving lunch?”
– Clearly this individual lives in a world beyond space, time, and the ability to refrain from asking dumbshit questions.
“I don’t see soup on the menu, but do you sell chicken noodle soup?”
– Unbridled idiocy. It’s really no different than sauntering into Lowe’s to ask if they rent hookers or neuter cats.
AT A RESTAURANT:
“Can you make the cheeseburger without the cheese?”
– This woman must come from a place where beef grows cheese and hamburgers don’t exist.
“Are the flame-grilled shrimp served cold or hot?”
– If I owned the restaurant, the waiter would’ve received a hefty bonus for slapping the stupid out of this customer.
AT THE MOVIES:
“My big sister was an extra in this movie. Would movie theater management allow me to record it on my camera under those circumstances?”
– Had I been the theater manager, my answer would have been “But of course, madame. Dumb people asking stupid questions have always been exempt from federal law.”
“I know the policy on bringing pets into movie theaters, but if he behaves quietly in the bathroom, could I leave him there during the movie?”
– No fucking comment.