The Asshole Equation: Why Women Want What They Want
Let’s not beat around the bush here (no pun intended). As a rule, nice gentlemen wind up with either physically unattractive women or those hopelessly damaged females who, after having been ridden hard by many assholish men, look for solace in a kind provider. This is because A) Assholes will no longer sleep with them, or B) They’ve decided to “reform,” which means they’ll be pretending to enjoy Mr. Nice Guy’s dozen roses and tender missionary position while fantasizing about the occasion on which a Jager-drunk Billy Badass railed her viciously in her parents’ brand new hot tub. And that’s funny. And fucked up. And that’s life. Many men spend a large portion of THEIR lives attempting to uncover the reasoning behind the female draw to the asshole. Few succeed. And even fewer do anything about it. But here are the facts: Women have a predisposition toward assholish men for two fundamental reasons: 1) It’s survival. In the urban jungles we have created for ourselves, assholes are the human equivalent of lions; purely alpha. And on a primal level, women lust after the process of ingraining that alpha male gene within their DNA. It’s a biological thing. Females want to maximize the potential for their offspring to survive this harsh, uncertain world, and what better way to do that than via mating with a tough, arrogant, testosterone-laden asshole? Bottom line: The female subconscious looks out for the survival of the forthcoming species. Mating with a pasty, passive computer geek/beta male will produce additional pasty, passive computer geeks/beta males. And geeks/betas have no place in the jungle. 2) It’s about adventure; or lack thereof. More than almost anything else, women crave a sense of excitement and unpredictability (look to the vast success of outlandish romance novels, for proof). They want life – and by extension, men – to invigorate them. Spontaneity keeps them on their toes. And assholes are known to be spontaneous. Now, unless a woman has profoundly deep-seated emotional/psychological issues, she doesn’t enjoy the brand of abuse that many assholes are known to favor. However, more than a few females are willing to put up with it (a “trade”) in exchange for the thrill of being with someone who, with their untamed spirit and devil-may-care attitude, leaves them feeling injected with a far more vivid life than they could experience with a soft, nice, PREDICTABLE guy. Sensible, yes? So…Now that we’ve tackled that age-old problem with swift precision, here’s what to do about it (assuming you’re not already an asshole; if so, congrats): Hit the gym hard enough to add some alpha-style muscle. Get a tattoo or six. Trade in the hybrid for something loud, stupid, and senselessly fast. Wear a fake wedding ring while hitting on a high-class bar fly. Talk up your manliness (“On the weekends, I hunt wild boar with a pocket knife.”) Pay little attention to what she says. Maybe spill a drink on her fancy red dress. Do not apologize. Flex your arms. APPEAR as an asshole. Evolve. At best, she’s yours until you decide to leave her. At worst, she’ll see through your facade, reject you, you’ll go home alone, come back to this website, and tell me what an asshole I am. And I can live with that.
By Jon Neralich