The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde
Clyde: Splendid, splendid. I must say, you’re looking well. Now, if you will kindly take a seat on the couch, we can begin our session.
Otto: Sure, doc… So I’ve been having this interesting dream. It starts out in a Greek strip club. I’m vomiting monkey brains into a pit filled with drunken albino alligators while three one-eyed Canadian strippers give me an uninspired blowjob as the bouncers stab each other with candy-flavored ice picks and the customers set themselves on fire because management refuses to show the Sesame Street Christmas special…
Clyde: I presume that you want me to perform some sort of Freudian dream analysis to assist you in finding hidden meaning behind your pathetic excuse of an existence. Freud was a delusional coke head. And a loser. So are you. You fucking loser. You mongrel clown. I detest you. Where’s my corkscrew?
Otto: I’ve also been having these intense panic attacks ever since I mixed bath salts into that mail order magic mushroom powder, to see if snorting the stuff would turn me into a mellow, non-face eating zombie. Twenty lines up my nose, on my day off, and then they called me into work to shoot me out of a giant cannon. No juggling. No balloon animals. Straight out of that cannon, into the lion enclosure. They shot me at lions, doctor. Pissed off lions wearing great big tuxedos. While I was tripping. On my day off. Have you ever been through something like that? Probably not. You’re a pig.
Clyde: Exactly what ARE you rambling on about, you repugnant louse? Are you attempting to tell me that pigs are freakish creatures because we lack the ability to sweat? That we’re unsanitary animals because we derive pleasure from frolicking in the mud? Do you have some sort of unjustified qualm with Charlotte’s Web, motherfucker? Would you care for a cigarette?
Otto: No thanks, doc. I quit. Do you think I should adopt a pot-bellied pig? Also, why is bacon so tasty?
Clyde: You always were a quitter. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Adopting a pig. Fuck you. We’re smarter than dogs, you know. I loathe dogs. Especially when they bark. The flea-ridden cocksuckers. Anyway, bacon is tasty because it’s riddled with sodium and fat. It’s chock-full of nitrates and it’ll do a number on your cholesterol. Don’t eat the nasty shite unless it comes from a pig who was a prick. My father was a monumental prick and HE wound up in a BLT. Your time is up, by the way.
Otto: Ok, doc. Shall we go out for a drink?
Clyde: Indeed we shall, fine fellow. I believe a bottle of Pinot is in order.