The Top Ten Reasons Heat Waves Suck
Lately it’s been hot; oppressively, loathsomely, horridly hot. Abominably hot. Revoltingly hot. Soul-crushingly hot. Fucking hot. That said, there are a multitude of reasons to detest the heat. Here, for instance, are ten of them:
10. If you decide that you want to dump your girlfriend on her birthday, while she’s pulling up weeds in your front yard, you’ll have to walk outside, which will cause you to perspire uncomfortably.
9. If your hobby is collecting the lifeless bodies of hobos who have expired in putrid alleyways, to transform them into dog food for your show poodles, their corpses will really begin to stink up your basement.
8. If, while standing outside your ex-wife’s residence, you use a chainsaw to create an ice sculpture of her being beheaded by the grim reaper, it might melt away before she gets a chance to shriek in terror.
7. If your imaginary prostitute is a gigantic polar bear named Leaky Skittles, who requires you to dress as an Eskimo before having sex in a sandbox, you’re in danger of suffering heatstroke.
6. If you’re an albino who’s under the influence of bath salts, you may decide that the scorchingly hot sun is actually an omnipotent zombie god who will give you all the pigment you’ll ever need, if you will simply lay beneath him, naked, all day.
5. You will be shit-out-of-luck if you start a curbside ice cream business that promises customers the opportunity to pour sulfuric acid on your genitals if their Klondike Bars are the least bit melted.
4. It’s much harder to pretend that your gorgeous lesbian neighbors are kinky Arctic robots named Freezer Burn and Slushy Nipples, both of whom make a habit of spying on you during snowstorms while rubbing themselves with hot chocolate.
3. If you’re a pimp, slapping hoes will cause your palms to sweat excessively, which could lead to a nasty heat rash.
2. If, following your escape from a mental institution, you decide to end your life as a vampire by sunbathing after you’ve rubbed your skin with butter, you’ll get a painful sunburn.
1. I can’t make an enormous, gravel-stuffed snowball to hurl at my girlfriend’s face while she’s in the middle of a spastic nightmare about freezing to death.