THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO SCARE OFF THE NEW WEIRDO AT WORK WHO WANTS TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND
Welcome. What follows is a list of THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO SCARE OFF THE NEW WEIRDO AT WORK WHO WANTS TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. Enjoy.
10. I haven’t slept in nearly a month because the rainbow-colored iguanas who suck the devil’s razor blades have decided to burrow out of my head and live in god’s eyeballs instead.
9. Have you ever raped a piece of tropical fruit while choking your dead grandmother’s corpse, in a hot tub filled with vegetable oil, during a raging snowstorm?
8. I know you’re new to the office and all, but since I’ve been living in your crawlspace for almost a year now, along with my grumpy, semen-soaked shotgun, would you mind if I nickname you Peppermint Rose?
7. To pass the time I like to make believe that I’m a normal, everyday guy who doesn’t enjoy slipping fast-acting neurotoxins into the coffee cups of people who have facial structures like yours.
6. When, on my sixth birthday, my parents used an enormous, rusty, pus-dipped hypodermic needle to inject bloody kiwi juice into my kidneys, I had a vision that the two of us would one day find each other.
5. If you’d be so kind as to follow me to the bathroom so we can decorate my inner thighs in private, I’d be more than happy to wire a bomb to your car AFTER baking your wife.
4. I can’t stop imagining how sexy it will feel to pretend to be sad at your funeral, after the tragic “accident,” while I’m really thinking about chocolate covered rice cakes and rotting squirrels.
3. If you pay me ten thousand dollars and then let me yank out one of your eyeballs with a pair of red hot pliers, I’ll give you the role of Yorick’s skull in the Hamlet play I put on, every Sunday in my attic, with dead hookers’ discolored skeletons.
2. One of my personalities wants to take you out for a beer and flowers after a separate personality has apologized to this personality for throwing battery acid into your face.
1. If we’re going to be best friends, why don’t you drop by on Sunday so we can smell my collection of scratch n’ sniff stickers, color unicorns with crayons, eat some Lucky Charms, and then make out while watching Mr. Rogers episodes until it’s time to swallow a bottle of Ambien as we slit our wrists to the breathtaking sunset.