Yes, There Is Such A Thing As A Stupid Question (Round 2)
Some time ago I wrote a piece which explored the laughably misleading nature of the expression “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” via providing numerous examples of queries that, I think, more than fit ‘stupid question’ criteria. The article provided me with ample opportunity to showcase and dissect the stupidity of other’s misguided, oblivious, and ignorant questions. But lately it seems as if I’m unable to go more than a few hours without hearing at least one person ask something sufficiently profoundly stupid that it’s actually a bit of a challenge to refrain from publicly humiliating them with a vicious bitch slap or, at the very least, a swift kick to the genitals. That said, here are a collection of additional examples of some of the more appallingly jackassed questions I’ve recently heard, as well as a brief analysis of the sheer stupidity behind them.
IN THE GROCERY STORE:
“Does your floral department sell flowers?”
– I can scarcely fathom what sort of brain would allow its host body to ask such a thing. This is comparable to asking if their meat department sells meat. What does such a person expect to find in a floral department? Condoms? Whiskey? Chocolate-covered rice cakes?
“The express lane sign says that the cashier won’t check you out if you have more than ten items. I have fifteen. Is that ok?”
– This person clearly exists in an alternate universe where “fifteen” means “ten,” and asking stupid fucking questions is considered an intellectual pursuit.
AT THE GYM:
“Is it really true that drinking alcohol during a workout is a bad idea?”
– The individual who feels the need to ask this question has obviously been considering the possibility that drinking alcohol during a workout might actually be a GOOD idea. How does this thought process manifest itself? How does anyone even begin to approach that mentality?
“Are there any upper body exercises that will help my legs grow?”
– I would prefer to simply dismiss this query as a by-product of inherent laziness. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think this person’s logic probably leads him to believe that doing calf raises in a certain way will cause his biceps to grow explosively.
AT THE DRIVE-THRU:
“Can I get this to go?”
– No comment.
“Can we come back to get a refill?”
– See above.
AT A RESTAURANT:
“What do you suggest we tip you?”
– It’s hard to come to terms with the driving force behind this question.
“Do you have any non-alcoholic wine?”
– Though I could elaborate on the utter stupidity of this question for many paragraphs, it really all boils down to the fact that he could have avoided looking like a complete asshole by merely asking if they had some grape juice.
AT THE MOVIES:
“Is the fake butter topping gluten-free?”
– This is a lot like asking if a woman’s fake boobs are dairy-free.
“Since we showed up late for our movie, can we possibly get some free candy?”
– This is very possibly the stupidest fucking question ever uttered by a human being. If anyone, after hearing that question, still thinks there is no such thing as a stupid question, they’d be better off asking themselves “Why haven’t I sterilized myself yet?”