Yes, There Is Such Thing As A Stupid Question (Round 5)
Recently I’ve noticed numerous people beaming with gleeful anticipation, barely able to contain themselves at the prospect of frolicking beneath the scorching summer sun, baking up batches of skin cancer while leaping, drunkenly, into stagnant, parasite-ridden swimming holes. One thing is for certain: Summer sure as hell doesn’t increase human intelligence. In fact, over the last few weeks my ears have been invaded with countless remarkably stupid questions. Per usual, all of them came from the mouths of adults. That said, welcome to the fifth installment of “Yes, There Is Such Thing As A Stupid Question.”
AT THE LAKE:
“Since I think I might be able to hold my breath longer after I’ve been drinking, do you really think it’s dangerous to take some shots before trying to swim to the bottom of the lake?”
– If I were given a century to sit at my desk and come up with a stupider question, I have no doubt that I’d fail. Miserably.
“Is a catfish called a catfish because it sleeps in mud?”
– This is the rough equivalent of asking your mother if she is your mom because she likes cheese in her mashed potatoes.
“Don’t we need to get these life jackets out of the rain?”
– If the question had been directed at me, my answer would’ve been: “Definitely. From what I understand, until we waterproof them with boiling orange juice, drizzle could cause them to explode.”
“If the engine propeller broke off, how would we know which way to go to get back to the shore?”
– Because everyone knows that a propeller – when attached – doubles as a compass.
“If someone wears Air Jordans while skiing barefoot, would it still be called skiing barefoot?”
– No fucking comment.
AT THE POOL:
“If the sign says there’s no life guard on duty, does that mean the pool doesn’t have any lifeguards?”
– Compelling evidence that this person, upon seeing a “Lifeguard on duty” sign, probably has the following thought pass through his mind: “Hmm, that must mean there aren’t any lifeguards.”
“Ugh. Why is the sun so hot when I’m not in the shade?”
– This hopeless dunce of an asshole almost certainly wonders why, exactly, water ceases to boil once it’s been removed from the stove.
“Why can I smell so much chlorine in my hair?”
– Because it’s IN your hair, you terrifyingly dumb bitch.
“Do they call it backstroke because you’re supposed to come back?”
– Shockingly, unforgivably, excruciatingly, unfathomably, hellaciously, eye-gougingly stupid.
“Is it true that holding your breath too long, underwater, is a bad thing?”
– Proper response: “No, actually. From what I understand, the sneaky leprechaun that guards pots of gold at the end of rainbows, is actually a magical fish named Frank, who delights in throwing his coins at people smart enough to realize that it’s NEVER a bad idea to hold one’s breath too long. Under water. Try the deep end.”