You Deserve To Be Drowned In Festering Sewage If…
They say that one should never judge a book by its cover, but if you’re staring dead-eyed through the smoke of your Marlboro while using a tightly rolled Hustler magazine to beat your morbidly obese children as they flop like spastic trout across the filthy asphalt of a Wal-Mart parking lot, it’s pretty much guaranteed you’re a sack of shit. That said, there are a lot of people who, even if you don’t REALLY know them – even if you’re seeing them for the first time – fully deserve to be drowned in a vat of festering sewage, without hesitation. Here, for instance, are ten of them:
1. The woman who, because she has gargantuan boobs chock-full of silicon stretching her perfectly precancerous fake-baked skin, believes she is entitled to extend her middle finger while screaming “Asshole” as she attempts to cut you off in rush hour traffic.
2. The man who, after adjusting his polka dot bow tie with his perfectly manicured fingers, insults a restaurant’s wine list before belittling the waiter and demanding to speak with the chef about his definition of medium rare.
3. The Mohawked teenager ripping the receiver off a pay phone while his friends, cheering him on, blare Rage Against The Machine from their BMW.
4. The wife who, while waiting in line to pay for a new wardrobe with her husband’s credit card, casually turns to him and says “Even your face makes me sick.”
5. The husband who, after hearing that from his wife under those circumstances, doesn’t make a mental note to drown her in festering sewage.
6. The twenty-something hipster who, when asked about his musical preferences by a well-meaning bystander, replies “It’s for the highly evolved. You wouldn’t really understand.”
7. The thirty-something slut who, after a raunchy, alcohol-fueled one night stand, rolls over the following morning and, teary-eyed, says “I want you to know that I’m really not this type of girl.”
8. The thirty-something man who, after hearing her say that, doesn’t reply “Make me a bacon omelet and then get the fuck out of my house.”
9. Any woman who, on a first date, says “I’ve had bad luck in relationships because I’ve dated a lot of assholes. But that’s all over now. I want to settle down with a nice guy and have a nice relationship doing nice things.”
10. Any guy who, after listening to any woman say that, replies “I know what you mean! I want nice things too!!”