Dear Jonny, And The Questions Continue…
Answer some (more) questions…
What are your opinions on gun control?
If people want guns, they’ll get them regardless of whether or not a governing body chooses to exercise control over the attainment process. It’s ultimately counterproductive.
Would you cut off four of your fingers for two million dollars?
Yes, after which time I’d immediately have them sewn back on.
Would a eugenic society be better for the advancement of mankind?
There is no way to conclusively answer that question. Possibly, possibly not. We won’t know until such a thing happens, if it should come to that.
What do you think of hipsters?
Not much. Dressing a certain way is easy. Smoking natural cigarettes is easy. Listening to certain types of music is also easy. So is feigning discontentment, partying, and drinking coffee from trendy shops. I don’t respect what’s easy.
Do you think marriage is archaic?
I think marriage looks good only on paper.
Would you have trouble killing a pregnant woman pointing a loaded gun at your head for no reason?
No. I’d probably be doing the kid a favor.
Is Oprah a sexist and racist bitch or not?
That’s hard to say. As one of the most powerful women on earth, she can ultimately get away with being whatever she wants. As for what, exactly, that is, it’s anyone’s guess what she’s really like when, at the end of the day, the cameras shut off.
What’s the way you’d least like to die?
Good question. I don’t think I’d enjoy having extra strength Liquid Plumber injected into my liver.
What’s the most fucked up prank you’ve heard of?
I heard that the late porn star, John Holmes, once slipped lsd and Ex-Lax into a woman’s ice cream. Later, while she sat on the toilet, tripping and shitting, he told her she was melting. That’s quite fucked up.
Do you think teaching sexual abstinence works? If so, why? If not, why?
Believe it or not, I used to teach that very thing. Unfortunately, statistics tell us that it’s not particularly effective. As for why…Sex is a natural act.
What’s the most important thing I can do with my diet to keep my health?
Restrict your sugar intake.
I’m really interested in a beautiful woman who is kind of a bitch. What should I do to increase my chances of getting laid?
Do not compliment her beauty. Pretend to have options. Feign partial disinterest. Display arrogance. Make her call you. Vaguely describe yourself as someone with a predisposition toward danger and adrenaline. Never buy her flowers, chocolates, or any sort of card.
What’s the shittiest movie you’ve seen lately?
The remake of “Psycho.” Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates is about as stupid and unnecessary as it gets.
What do you think of the expression “The thin rats bury the fat rats?”
How many fat people over the age of eighty have you ever seen or known?
Do you think Stephen King is a great writer?
I think Stephen King has mastered a certain way of writing. His ideas are excellent.
I showed some of your pictures to my personal trainer and he said that you probably eat too much protein. Thoughts?
I don’t typically go the ad hominem route, but your personal trainer is an absolute fucking idiot. Since when can any human being ascertain another man’s protein intake simply by looking at a few pictures of his physique? Secondly, how much, exactly, is “too much” protein? Fire this guy immediately.
Can I pay to watch you workout your arms?
That depends. Do you have breasts?
What do you think of the Casey Anthony case?
I think she’s a woman who got away with murder; business as usual.
Do you think it should be difficult for a sober guy to go out and have fun with acquaintances who are drinking heavily?
Not if some of those acquaintances are single, attractive, gullible women who will later need a sober ride home.
My girlfriend has been getting heavier by the day. She says it’s because I’m stressing her out. What do you think about this?
I think you should dump her, then see if she gets skinnier. Either way, you’re both better off.