Dear Jonny, Another Chunk O’ Questions…
Answer some (more) questions…
“I think woman are attracted to “assholes” for an evolutionary reason.My reasoning is that an “asshole” is the type of male who displays above all else superiority. On a subconscious level women are attracted to men who are superior for reasons of breeding. Mature woman want children and superior men offer superior children by passing on qualities like intelligence and physical prowess. Any thoughts?”
“Are one-liners a good way to pick up women?”
– I believe that a clever, funny, well-timed one-liner delivered by a self-assured man in a purely ironic tone can sometimes effectively break the ice with women who have a sense of humor. But even then it has far more to do with the confidence (or lack thereof) behind the words, than the words themselves.
“Do you think it’s unrealistic to propose to a woman after dating for a month?”
– I think any man who is seriously considering proposing to a woman after four weeks is substantially fucked in the head. For all you know, she spends her free time masturbating with pigeons, gargling leper blood, and castrating homeless children chained up in her basement before baking razor blade-stuffed apple pies for all the Alzheimer’s patients on her block. That said, one month is a woefully inadequate amount of time to adequately determine the physical, emotional and psychological well-being of anyone, let alone someone who may wind up being the mother of your children. Chill the hell out, have a beer, watch some porn, and make a point to smash yourself in the head with a sack of rocks if you even THINK about proposing any time soon.
“I know I need to eat vegetables, but I really hate them. Any tricks for making their taste more tolerable?”
– Try sauteing them in half a cup of stop-being-such-a-pussy.
“My husband is convinced that I’m cheating on him. I’m not exactly cheating, but I have done so in the past (he knows about it) so it’s hard for me to convince him otherwise. What should I do?”
– You should probably come to terms with the fact that you’re making up the rules as you go along. It appears as if you are twisting reality so as to detract from the truth of the matter: You’re still screwing around. What, exactly, is your definition of “not exactly cheating?” Giving blowjobs with your eyes closed? Because you’re certainly not seeing the big picture here. Quit being such a stupid whore, open your eyes, and either shape up or get rid of your husband before you wind up at the bottom of a well.
“I need to lose about thirty pounds after having a baby. I have the exercise thing covered but I need some diet advice. Any tips?”
– Avoid sugar and processed foods at all costs. Focus on consuming high-quality meat, an assortment of vegetables, and the occasional piece of fruit. If you snack between meals, have almonds, walnuts, or a piece of cheese. If you’re a drinker, switch to low-carb beer. If you break down and decide that you simply must have a massive cheat meal, stick to high-fat/low-carb (bacon cheeseburgers without the buns) or high-carb/low-fat (sweetened cereal with skim milk). That’s a good start.
“Who is the last person you voted for?”
– Some chick on a “Rate My Boobs” website. She had absolutely perfect breasts, so I casted as many negative votes as possible, to screw with her self-esteem.
“What do you think happens after death?”
– As much as I would like to think that something remarkable occurs, I believe it’s almost certainly an endless dreamless sleep; a dark room without the dark. Without Doritos.