Dear Jonny, Another Round Of Questions…
Answer some (more) questions…
Can you think of a worse death than slowly sinking in quicksand until it drowns you?
Since people don’t slowly sink in quicksand until it drowns them (the human body is less dense than quicksand, so it won’t entirely sink), that’s a difficult question. But being rendered incapacitated before having a female cat sewn into your abdominal cavity just as she’s about to give birth to a large litter of kittens would, in my mind, be a hell of a lot worse.
I have been working out for 2 and a half months (1 hour of cardio and 1 hour of strength training five days a week). I have seen very little results. I have self diagnosed myself with low testosterone (the symptoms i read about fit). I am 22 and 5’8. Should I rely on my own research or consult a doctor?
In the past I’ve tended to self-diagnose fairly often, and in my experience it’s rarely a good idea. If you suspect you’re suffering from insufficient testosterone levels, it would be better to have a physician confirm your suspicions via a simple blood test. If your numbers are low it might be necessary to undertake some form of testosterone supplementation therapy, under medical supervision. That said, ten weeks in the gym with that sort of routine may or may not be enough to produce visible results. There are, of course, many factors at play. Ectomorphs, for instance, gain muscle very slowly. What’s the nature of your metabolism? Furthermore, is your diet in check? Are you getting enough calories? Enough protein? What about sufficient sleep? Make sure you have all the bases covered before writing it off as a hormonal issue.
My girlfriend has been a terrible bitch for the last ten or so months. What do you suggest I do?
Grow some balls very quickly and then get the hell away from her before “ten or so months” becomes “ten or so years.”
My wife is on a weight loss program that has her eating tons of cabbage soup for a week. No exercise, just lots of cabbage and a few other foods here and there. What the hell is that?
It’s pure bullshit. She’s severely limiting her calories while upping her fiber, so of course there will be some instant gratification in terms of weight loss. But it’s temporary. She’ll almost certainly rebound in weight after resuming her normal eating routine. Your wife simply needs to eat less overall and get consistent exercise. There’s no quick fix.
What are your thoughts on celebrity sex tape scandals?
If I’m fairly young, attractive, and famous, “accidentally” leaking an erotic home movie to the public is yet another way to stir the pot, make headlines, and keep heads turning. Creating steamy controversy rejuvenates attention and nearly guarantees a continued place in the spotlight, which satisfies the ego, which is what it’s all about in the end.
When’s the last time you were really annoyed with people in general? What did you do?
I was drinking a beer while reading over some teenybopper action film poll that rated Men In Black higher than Predator. I threw my beer stein at the microwave.
Do you ever watch chick flicks with your girlfriend? If so, do you ever cry?
Sure I do. In fact, every other Friday we have a girly movie “date night,” during which time we watch a double feature while eating buttered popcorn and drinking wine coolers. This weekend I was treated to The Devil Wears Prada and Driving Miss Daisy, which didn’t make me cry nearly as much as the time we saw both Fried Green Tomatoes and Steel Magnolias. I think I went through three boxes of tissue that night..
I bet you’ve dated some freaky women. Do tell.
Five or six years ago I dated a vegetarian stripper who became extremely turned on whenever she ate Hufu; human flesh flavored tofu. The more she ate, the more we had sex. The more we had sex, the less she ate anything else. Then the product was quite suddenly discontinued. A few weeks later she began licking and biting my arms, legs, and other places; “tasting” me. But the sex was over. She said she was having vivid cannibalistic dreams. I moved out shortly thereafter.
What’s the most pathetic thing you’ve seen lately?
A woman was yelling obscenities at her husband as they stood waiting for movie tickets, after which time he halfway bowed his head and uttered: “Whatever you say, baby. You’re the woman. You’re the boss. I’ll just go ahead and do you the favor of keeping my mouth shut from now on.”
What’s the most depressing book you’ve ever read?
“The Giving Tree,” by Shel Silverstein. That poor ‘ol tree should have thrown the bastard kid from its branches while it still had the chance.