Dear Jonny, Donuts…
An old, wealthy friend bet me three grand that I couldn’t eat two dozen Krispy Kreme chocolate glazed donuts w/ sprinkles (he’s paying for them) per day, for two months. I’m almost a month in and I’m feeling very sick and depressed. Dizzy, nauseas, bloated, heart is racing, and my urine is thick and smelling disgustingly sweet. I’m not taking in anything but the donuts and an occasional drink of Gatorade. This is no joke and I really feel fucking terrible. But I really, REALLY need the money. I just don’t want to permanently screw myself up. For the record, I’m 26 years old, 5’10.5″ and 243 pounds. It isn’t muscle. Thoughts?
– Wish To Be Anonymous
Dear Wishes To Be Anonymous,
24 a day, eh? Each Krispy Kreme chocolate glazed donut (with sprinkles) contains the following: 250 calories, 12 grams of fat, and 23 grams of sugar. If it’s true that you’ve consumed virtually nothing but these donuts for the last 4 weeks, then each day you’ve put into your body: 6,000 calories, 288 grams of fat, and over 619 grams of sugar. That’s stupid and fascinating. Your stats tell me that your normal diet is, in all likelihood, pretty bad, but no amount of eating like shit can prepare your internal organs for the sort of all-out dietary assault you’re subjecting yourself to now. The massive influx of sugar and fat has your entire digestive system in shock. Your pancreas is under enormous strain. As is your heart. The remarkable overabundance of simple sugar almost surely has your body teaming with Candida fungus. And your brain is undoubtedly going haywire. On top of that, you are ingesting nothing of any nutritional value, which means that despite the caloric surplus, your body is, in a sense, “starving.” So the numerous side-effects are not at all surprising. I’m actually quite curious to know why you aren’t in the hospital or in some sort of blood sugar-related coma. That said, I suggest that you immediately bow out of the bet, then head to the doctor’s office for a bit of blood work. Send me the results, and I’ll post them here. No more fucking donuts.
P.S.: Your “friend” is an inconsiderate fucktard for putting you up to this, regardless of the money.