Dear Jonny, I Cheated…
I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend of four years, “Tommy”, for about six months. The guy I’m sleeping with (a coworker of his), “Timmy”, is vastly more experienced in bed, and the sex we have is just SO MUCH better than anything I’ve ever had with Tommy, which probably makes me sound like a superficial slut, but a woman needs good sex, and when it isn’t there, ya know?. The thing is, Timmy and I were initially meeting up at his place once or twice a week, but now it’s come to a point where I’m over there about every other night, and that means I’ve had to come up with additional stories to excuse my absence (working late, nights out with the girls, extended yoga classes, and so on), and Tommy is getting very suspicious, asking a lot of questions, but it gets worse. I found out last week that I am pregnant, which means my birth control failed, and since my boyfriend and I still manage to have sex once or twice a week, it really could be either one of them. The father. So I feel kind of stuck. I still have feelings for Tommy, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him at all, and part of me thinks I should break it all off with Timmy and work really hard on improving things with my boyfriend, maybe go to couple’s therapy, because he has said for a long time that he’d like to be the father of our child, and I know he’d make a good dad, but if it’s actually Timmy’s, that complicates things, because Tim is sort of a reckless and irresponsible asshole and I know for a fact he’d force me to get an abortion, and since I won’t go that route (been there, done that, never again), I’ve got some pretty hard decisions to make. You seem to be a fountain of knowledge. In all seriousness, what do you think I should do?
Well, let’s look at this complication from an unexpected angle. I’ve been that guy before; the one with whom a woman was cheating on her long-term boyfriend. And had she, at that time, become unexpectedly pregnant by father undetermined, I, too, would have insisted that she abort it. And that’s pretty fucked up, because at that point it’s no longer about who is cheating on who for what direct or indirect reason, the sex, or what is most convenient under the circumstances. It’s all about the unborn kid, who is unable speak up and say “Hey, quit fucking around with all this self-centered bullshit, Mom, and realize that it’s not all about your needs,” which is precisely what it SHOULD say. So this is what you need to do (and why): Immediately tell Timmy to fuck off. And understand that because he works with your boyfriend, he will, in a matter of time, learn that you’re pregnant, very possibly with his child, which will, in all likelihood, leave him both uneasy yet quietly gloating, which is a strange, unpredictable combination, and not one you should gamble on (a.k.a. there is a possibility that he’ll inform your boyfriend that you’ve been fucking him, etc). That means you must come clean with Tommy, and tell him exactly what has transpired. Depending on his inherent character, he may break down uncontrollably, he may say “Fuck you, whore,” and walk out, he may say the same thing + slap you around, he may say absolutely nothing and take a seat, he may kill you, or he may combine any of the preceding reactions. That’s the real gamble, but one you, as an adult, must take. The longer you wait, the worse it becomes for everybody involved. My advice: To be safe, tell him in a public place. Hopefully things will work out in your – and, more importantly, the unborn child’s – favor. Next time around, just purchase a bunch of cool sex toys, rent some filthy porn, and call it a day. For now, if you truly want to be a parent, you need to step up, come clean, and start acting like one. Good Luck.
* Within an hour of posting this piece, I received the following comment:
This site is something else, man. I have my girlfriend to thank for bring it to my attention. But here’s the thing. This “Anastasia” (real name: *omitted by Jon) just happens to be my girlfriend, and I happened to take notice that she’s been accessing this site A LOT recently, always looking over her proverbial shoulder, and now I know why. And frankly, I don’t give a shit, because I’ve been cheating on her as well, on and off for two years. That’s right, baby, there’s a reason I haven’t been into you these last 4 months, a reason that the sex with “Timmy” is “so much better than you’ve had with “Tommy”, and that’s because I’ve found a girl who isn’t a pathological liar, nor a fatass, nor an immoral bitch. So pack your shit before I burn it, get the fuck out of my house, raise the illegitimate bastard yourself, and stay the fuck out of my life. Permanently. Side note: It’s common knowledge around the office that “Timmy” has passed on hpv (genital WARTS) to several women, and considering that it’s generally asymptomatic in men, I don’t really give two shits if you’ve passed it on to me, but know that your cervix is probably fucked, or will be. Ha. Bitch.