Dear Jonny, I Need Revenge…
I recently found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me for quite some time. She doesn’t know that I know. I want revenge. Just so you know, I have access to her car, her office and her apartment. Any ideas that won’t land me in jail??
I have a few. Use a screwdriver to poke six or seven holes in twenty or so cans of tuna fish. After draining the water, hide them carefully throughout her car, office, and apartment. Car: Tape them to the bottom of the driver and passenger seats, as well as the roof of the trunk. Bury one in her glove box and toss them into any available side compartments. Office: Tape them to the bottom of her chair and beneath her desk. Drop them in filing cabinets. Consider hollowing out the pages of one or two books to fit in a few cans. Apartment: Tape them to the undercarriage of her bed and the back of both the toilet and the entertainment center. Tuck them away in the linen closet. Put several cans in the pockets of jackets hanging in her closet. Place a few atop book shelves and hide at least one in her sock drawer. Within a few days’ time the fish will begin to rot quite nicely. Should she leave her car parked in the sun, the process will be significantly expedited. While she will almost certainly find most of the cans after countless hours of frenzied, paranoid searching, if you get sufficiently creative with the hiding process, the odor of rancid tuna fish will quite likely permanently permeate her existence, thereby wreaking perpetual emotional havoc. Another possibility is snatching her favorite coffee cup long enough to find a particularly crusty homeless man who, in exchange for a few bucks, is willing to duck into an alley and fill the cup with his piss. Take several pictures of him doing so, then dump out the urine (leaving it nicely coated) and return her cup to the office. After she’s resumed drinking from it for about a week, place the developed pictures next to the cup, along with a typed note that reads: “Remember when your cup went missing for a day? It became a home for homeless piss.” Keep your distance while she projectile vomits all over her co-workers, none of whom she’ll trust any longer (an added bonus). That’s a damn fine start.