Dear Jonny, Let’s Talk…
Answer some (more) questions…
“What was it like breaking up with the girl in your “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch?'”
– It was pretty insanely horrific, now that you mention it. Upon informing her that the two of us would no longer be dating, she was initially aloof/unresponsive. However, over the following two weeks, as I began formally moving out, she attacked me with a serving fork while I was carrying some boxes to a buddy’s truck. Luckily, my friend alerted me before she had a chance to plant it squarely in the back of my neck (which she would’ve done without a second thought), so I was able to disarm her after sustaining a stab wound to my upper arm. At that point I should have either decked her senseless or summoned the police. Foolishly, I did neither. She was overwhelmingly apologetic, and I let myself fall for it. Several days later I returned to pick up the last of my things, at which point she attempted to seduce me. When I rejected her advances, she gave me a particularly cold, distant stare and said “I’m calling the police.” When I replied “But I’ve done nothing wrong,” she sported an alarmingly deranged smile and said “Oh yes you have.” Then she conjured up some tears, as well as a panicked voice, before dialing 911. “My boyfriend is beating me!! Help!!”, she screamed into the phone. A moment later she was wildly punching herself in the face, breaking her nose and severely cutting both lips. If her neighbor hadn’t been sweeping his porch, within earshot, I would most certainly have gone to jail for assault when the cops showed up five minutes later. Fortunately, he heard everything, which he was more than happy to pass on to the police – which saved me from one hell of a headache. But I never got the rest of my shit. I never found out what happened to the crazy bitch. I never saw her again.
“What sort of things can I ask a blind date to find out if she’s going to be good in bed, without actually bringing up sex?”
– Ask her what she’d eat, if it were her last meal on earth. If she says shit like “steamed asparagus, fresh garden salad, raw veggies with ranch dipping sauce, iced tea,” etc., it’s probably safe to assume she’s pretty boring in the sack. I mean, in all honesty, how the fuck can you go out with a ‘bang’ while chomping down on wilting celery sticks? What you’re looking for are greasy, sugar-laden foods and booze, which massage your brain with a cocktail of feel-good hormones. Think “chili-cheese fries smothered in bacon, cream cheese-stuffed pancakes swimming in syrup and butter, and loads and loads of chocolate washed down with buckets of margaritas.” If that’s what she says she wants for her last meal, chances are she’s all about nasty, endorphin-addled sex.
“If person A assaults person B should person B have the right to kill them in self defense? I recently discussed this with a co-worker who thinks that would be an overuse of force. I told him they should because if a person decides to use force against someone else which could cause serious harm then the person being assaulted has no obligation to consider the assaulter’s well-being. He told me I should go to a psychologist because I sounded crazy. Thoughts?”
– You definitely don’t sound crazy. From what I understand, whether or not you have the legal right to take someone’s life in response to being assaulted, has mainly to do with the nature of the initial assault. In other words, if someone delivers a single punch to your face, after which time you physically beat him to death, this will be seen as an excessive use of force. On the other hand, if the same attacker delivers multiple punches with every intention of taking your life, and you respond by sufficiently defending yourself that he winds up taking a fatal blow to the head during said struggle, this will be seen as justifiable homicide. However, in either case I’m sure there are numerous legal technicalities which could eventually come into play, depending on the state and the competency of the attorneys involved.
“Does size matter to women?”
– Based on conversations I’ve had with both former girlfriends and various female acquaintances, the best answer I have is this: For the most part, only at the extreme ends of the spectrum, meaning that unless you are considerably over-sized (too painful) or under-sized (insufficient stimulation) in comparison to the average size, you really don’t have anything to worry about it in terms of being able to sexually satisfy an average woman, in that department. However, if you do fall into either of the aforementioned categories, there are plenty of other avenues by which one can please women. Confidence and open-mindedness are key.