Dear Jonny, Eternal Questions…
Answer some (more) questions…
“While I don’t think being an asshole all the time is very nice, why the hell is it so much damn fun sometimes?”
– While I’m sure different individuals have differing ideas about why, exactly, it’s fun to be an asshole (increased sex appeal, more attention, less accountability, etc.), for me it’s pretty much always been a matter of how easily I can elicit heated emotional reactions with assholish behavior. Psychologically deconstructing people via mercilessly toying with their emotions is a bit like being their personal puppeteer, which, while arguably fucked up, can occasionally be the ultimate form of cheap entertainment.
“What is your definition of ‘being a pussy’?”
– Any man who says anything even remotely like “Sorry, guys, but I have to skip the beer, hot wings, and nachos festival this weekend, because the wife and me are going on a mini-vacation to her mother’s house, so the three of us can plan our babymoon.”
“I’ve been cheating on my husband (we’ve been together for almost ten years) with his coworker, Rick, who also happens to be his best friend. Thing is, Rick and I have decided to get married. What’s the easiest way to tell my husband I want a divorce without REALLY pissing him off and ruining his friendship with Rick? I need advice, not a lecture.”
– So, let me get this straight: You’d like me to avoid lecturing while simultaneously giving you advice after assuming the psychology of a man (one I know virtually nothing about) who’s being deceived by both his wife and his best friend, after a decade of marriage? You then want me to theorize how you can minimize the anger he’ll experience in response to your admission that you’ve been fucking said friend, whom you also intend to marry after the forthcoming divorce? And you’d like me to do it all in such a way that, despite the horribly hurtful, life-altering news, your husband will be willing to maintain his friendship with Rick?….Try baking him a carrot cake.
“How old are you? How old is your girlfriend? Are you attracted to younger women?”
– I’m 33, my girlfriend is 26, and I am generally attracted to thoughtful, intelligent, well-read and attractive women in their mid to late twenties. As an aside, I’ve also dated my fair share of nineteen year-old strippers who thought Moby Dick was a porno. My tastes have improved over time…
“I have what I guess you could call a crush on a coworker. We’ve eaten lunch together a few times and she’s brought up John Cusack movies on both occasions. She said she’s always had a thing for him, especially in his 80’s and 90’s movies. So I went out last week and bought five of his flicks and watched them all several times over the weekend. I just wanted to see what she sees in him, so maybe I can “reenact” his behavior and impress her or something. Do you think that’s weird?”
– It’s equal parts extremely weird and absolutely fucking desperate. Emulating the various behaviors of multiple characters played by the same actor over many years, all because you think this chick might A) Recognize those behaviors in you, and B) Want to sleep with you because of them, is wishful thinking at best. That said, if you’re looking to impress her, pick up a copy of 1408 and then invite her back to your place. It has Cusack and it’s creepy, so maybe it’ll scare her onto your lap.
“What do you think of Julie Burchill’s quote: ‘A good part – and definitely the most fun part – of being a feminist is about frightening men.'”
– I am unfamiliar with this woman, but based on the snarky bitterness of her words, I’m willing to bet my testicles that she’s either heinously ugly or appallingly fat. (After a quick web search, I see that she’s both). Why not frighten them if you’ve already scared them off?
“My buddy is a big fan of appletinis, but is concerned that drinking them during business lunches will leave him looking like a wuss. Thoughts?”
– Your buddy doesn’t exist. And yes, you’re a wuss.