Dear Jonny, Question After Question…
Answer some (more) questions…
My girlfriend has recently expressed a desire to experience coprophilia. Should I be worried that I’m kinda turned on by the idea of giving her an enema during sex like she wants?
I think different people are turned on by different things for different reasons. I once [very briefly] dated an apotemnophiliac. She was an otherwise normal young lady who was aroused exclusively by fantasizing over and/or looking at amputees. I also knew a straight-laced professional who was a formacophiliac. Nothing turned her on more than the thought/act of having various insects crawl all over her body, nibbling at her skin. That said, your fetish is fairly bland by comparison. I wouldn’t be overly concerned past the point of making sure that, under the circumstances, you take precautionary measures against bacterial infection.
I’ll get to the point here. Though I do not have much sexual experience with women I’m confident enough in my abilities. What I want to know is if you can give me some advice on anything I really need to avoid during sex?
While to a certain extent that depends largely on the girl in question, speaking from personal experience there’s one golden bedroom rule that every man should follow, lest he make an incompetent buffoon of himself at the most inopportune time. Never, under any circumstances, should a man look into a woman’s eyes during sex and say “Would you by any chance like it if I…(insert random sexual act)? In her endorphin-addled brain that will immediately reduce your status to that of an insecure man-child who hasn’t the stones to take the initiative at a moment when she has an insatiable craving for testosterone’s unbridled confidence and spontaneity. In essence, she’ll think you’re a sexual coward – which no woman wants.
Why are so many Americans 20 and 30-somethings so incredibly boring?
They eat and drink the same food, listen to the same tunes, watch the same television shows, music videos and movies, buy the same cars, work the same jobs, get drunk in the same bars, share the same values and non-existent ideas, and neglect to read the same books as most of their carbon copy counterparts.
How could we expedite the process of drawn out murder trials and the resulting appeals process that delays many executions for a decade or more?
In theory, we could completely do away with jury trials and in their place initiate a process by which suspected murderers are administered amobarbital or some other [more effective] “truth serum,” after which time they’d be subjected to an expedited “mini trial” via being interrogated by a professional while hooked up to a polygraph machine. The end result of this process would see them either immediately executed or set free.
My girlfriend has her grower’s license and a great job that she does from home. This means that all she ever really does is smoke weed constantly and demand sex when she isn’t behind her computer working (which is only about 25 hours a week). What do you suppose I should do?
Does the tomato sauce on my pizza count as my vegetable?
Do the peanuts in my Snickers count as my protein?
I’m a big fan of rice but over the years I’ve found that eating too much of it bloats me out and generally makes me feel fat. Any decent alternative?
Affirmative. Use a food processor to reduce fresh cauliflower into rice-sized pieces. Cook in a microwave, covered, for about five minutes. Each cup has only five grams of carbohydrates, half of which is fiber. Come up with a hearty, well-spiced topping and you’re set.
Has drinking ever caused you to kill anything you didn’t mean to?
Yes. Several weekends ago I downed a case of ale and then pushed over a small tree.
I’ve been a heavy smoker for years. What’s the best thing I can do to help detox my body, especially my lungs?
What’s the dumbest animal you’ve ever owned?
I’ve dated a few strippers.