Dear Jonny, It’s Question Time!
Answer some (more) questions…
“There’s a very rude and ultra-fundamentalist Christian gentlemen (a term I use very loosely) in my Teacher Education program who is riding my last nerve. His crime: the man uses every opportunity to cram his particular worldview down our collective throat, and quite apropos of nothing. Recently, for instance, as we were discussing elementary science curricula, he regaled us with his particularly absurd take on the “hoax” of evolution and why students shouldn’t be exposed to such “evil” propaganda. Now, I’m certainly old enough to know how to live and let live — why waste the time and energy, you know? But I do have a very important question for you: Were you to actually beat the shit out of someone like this, what part of your body would you use and how? Please feel free to elaborate. I will certainly take a vicarious thrill out of every gruesome detail.”
– This guy really needs to suffer, so I would probably start by headbutting him squarely in the nose. The audible crunch of his disintegrating nasal bones, coupled with intense shooting pain and the sight of a crimson geyser erupting from his nostrils, would confuse, disorient, and frighten him. At that point I might throw a tightly-executed left hook (I’m a south paw) to the solar plexus, robbing him of his ability to breathe. I imagine he’d drop to one knee, creating a perfect opportunity for me to kick him in the liver. That would knock him onto his back, where he’d see me looking down at him: bloody, gasping, and likely in shock. The coup de grace? A few heavy stomps on his kneecaps, after which time I’d yank a few of his fingers out of their sockets. If he were somehow still conscious, I would then force him to discuss the ‘evolution’ of his beating.
“Do you have any opinions on the field of evolutionary psychology?”
– I think it’s a rather useful framework for explaining much of our behavior. However, it doesn’t take into account that culture sometimes overrides animal instinct. For instance, evolutionarily speaking, men should be attracted to buxom, full-figured women with wide birthing hips which clearly establish them as capable of bearing children. Instead, most American men are attracted to slim, if not downright skinny, women who appear to be incapable of hosting a parasite, let alone a fetus. The power and influence of culture are undeniable forces.
“Not that I am aware if you enjoy beer, ale, bully porter, and anything that could create a more mellow you, I ask you have you heard of Stone Brewing Company out of San Diego? They bottle an ale that is not for the faint of heart, nor the people that drink the 64 calorie beer wanna be. It is for some people that like their ale in twenty-two ounce bottles with a high alcohol content. The name of this is Arrogant Bastard. Sold in Texas and points west. If people see you drink this they’ll know you are not an effeminate person with masculine identity problems. They’ll understand that you are someone in touch with the masculine in you in double or triple portions. This ale goes well with Mexican or Chinese. The food not the people. Arrogant Bastard, sold west of Arkansas.”
– I have indeed heard of the Stone Brewing company. Arrogant Bastard Ale is one of the best – and certainly one of the most manly – beers I’ve had the pleasure of overindulging in. On every occasion I visit my brother in Colorado, I wind up bee-lining to the neighborhood liquor store, to pick up an armful of the stuff. On my last trip I was fortunate enough to come across OAKED Arrogant Bastard Ale (awesome stuff), as well as Double Bastard Ale (life-changing). I believe I spent more time hanging out with those three bastards, than I did visiting with my brother. But he understood – the lucky bastard can have them any time he wants.
“Can I be a healthy alcoholic? I have two 12 oz drinks a day to help me relax and sleep.”
– If we’re talking two 12 oz. cans of beer, then you have nothing to worry about. If we’re talking two 12 oz. glasses of hard liquor, you’re probably asking for trouble. Everything you need to know can be found here:
*Also, look into taking a liver support formula; something that
contains milk thistle.
“My friend is a self-proclaimed health guru. He claims that going on a banana-only diet for one week will radically detoxify my body and make me much healthier in general. This seems a bit extreme to me, but he swears by it. What do you think?”
– I think your friend is a fucking idiot. Bananas have potassium, fiber, protein, and sugar. None of that is going to relieve your body of toxins, or make you “much healthier in general.” But all that fiber will have a laxative effect, so expect to be sitting on the toilet much of the time.