Dear Jonny, Tell Me…
Why do you refer to your girlfriend as “Bad Sparkle”? How did you two meet? What does she do? Does she think you’re an asshole? And – my husband wants to know – How much do you weigh, how much do you bench, and, as a bouncer, did you ever lose a fight?
Why do I refer to her as Bad Sparkle? How did we meet? I met Bad Sparkle about 16 months ago, in the party district of the college town in which I live. I was in another galaxy, to say the least. She was walking out of a well-known Italian restaurant with two girlfriends of hers, one of which I’d come out to see. After a brief introduction, we headed to a bar, where I discovered that she (Bad Sparkle) was a former student of my father’s, so I made an attempt at discussing writing, literature, etc. But my brain was feeling a lot like intergalactic swiss cheese, so things came out more like “You’re hot.” Which she was. Our mutual friend at the table, Logan, made a joke (while I was trying to take a whiz) about the numerous hits to the head I’d been victim of, and Bad Sparkle took it literally. But let’s face it. She was a 5′ tall elf-like bookworm whose last boyfriend was named “Harry Potter,” or something close to it. I was a mountain of muscle, attitude, and dead sexy ink; the proverbial bad boy. Little did she know, I was also brilliant. Just not that night. Eventually, I told her that her green eyes radiated with a brilliant sparkle. And that there was some seriously repressed naughtiness behind that sparkle. A Bad Sparkle. She melted, and the name stuck.
What does she do? She’s working on her doctorate in education reform.
Does she think I’m an asshole? “Sometimes,” she says.
How much do I weigh? I jump around from 215-265. Right now, I’m hovering somewhere between 237-240. My peak weight was 287, but that was some years ago.
How much do I bench? When I was 24 (and at 287 pounds), I benched 560 pounds for one rep, without a bench shirt. These days, I stick to the Smith Machine, on which I generally perform incline bench; sometimes I get up to 315 for 6-8 reps, but I never max out. Currently, I’m betting I could throw up 405-425 for one rep of standard, unassisted bench press.
Did I, as a bouncer, ever lose a fight? No.