Dear Jonny, The Questions Are Piling Up…
Answer some (more) questions…
“You spend a lot of time talking about other’s stupidity. We all have our moments. So Jon, do you have any stupid stories about yourself?”
– While it’s true we all have our stupid moments, some of us have many more than others. Added to that, numerous individuals’ lives become a veritable montage of stupid moments; a virtually seamless episode of shameless lifelong stupidity. That said, it’s important to make the distinction between people experiencing those moments, and pure fucking idiots whose lives ARE those moments. As for my own stupid stories, the bulk of them involve depraved alcohol binges, sudden violence, speeding automobiles, psychotic strippers, and stomach-searing habanero extract. At some point I’ll elaborate.
“Why do you think so many people give up after working out for a few months as a part of their New Year’s resolution?”
– Because it’s very easy to take ten seconds to make drunken New Year’s resolutions after toasting champagne for the ninth or tenth time, and very challenging to show up at the gym, sober, and bust one’s ass for an hour or more, four or five days per week.
“I recently made a crazy mistake by sleeping with my hideous mother-in-law (we were both wasted) during the holiday break. I know, I know, but shit just sort of happened. I won’t go into detail, but do you have any advice?
– Slap yourself many times and continue drinking heavily.
“If while on a blind date a woman throws hot coffee in a guy’s face because he makes a remark about her having a healthy appetite, is it ok for him to toss his drink into her face?
– The ‘best’ thing for him to do at that point: Walk out of the restaurant to avoid further escalation, seek medical attention if necessary, and then sue the horrid bitch out of her. However, that’s assuming the man in question has sufficient self-restraint to avoid tossing HIS steaming beverage into her eyes before overturning the table and threatening to bury her entire family in some remote wooded area. Which is what I would probably do.
“If the Mayans were right about 2012, what do you think will happen?”
– Swarming locusts, earthquakes, eruptions, floods, tidal waves, hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, mudslides, landslides, rockslides, nuclear war, zombies, the depletion of the ozone layer, and drunken fist fights over the dwindling Doritos supply.
“What’s the most fucked up thing you’ve seen recently?”
– A pregnant woman who, while eagerly puffing away on a menthol, explained why she believes the stress of quitting smoking would be far more harmful to her fetus than actually quitting.
“What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen recently?”
– A tiny ninety-something man chewing on an enormous cigar while he said the following to a group of assholish teenagers (who, as friends of the elderly man’s neighbor, constantly park in front of his house to blast their subwoofers): “If you little shits give me the street noise one more time, I’ll take an ax to your ass.”
“What’s the saddest thing you’ve seen recently?”
– A friend of mine got married.
“When it comes to relationships, do you think nice guys really finish last?”
– From my experience, the vast majority of women who openly claim to want a nice guy are overweight, unattractive, damaged, lying to themselves, or a combination thereof. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule, but we’re talking generalizations here. If, in your eyes, engaging in a relationship with the sort of woman described above is ‘finishing last,’ then there’s your answer.
“You seem to be extremely knowledgeable and hardcore about diet and lifting. Does this mean that you never take a break from your routine?
– By no means. While I’m following it, I’m a cyborg. While I’m not, such as over Christmas break, I have no problem straying from routine long enough to enjoy rum cake and Jaegerbombs for breakfast, lunch, or (and) dinner.