Dear Jonny, The Questions Keep Tumbling Down…
Answer some (more) questions…
“What do you think of the newest science popularizers like Neil Tyson, Bryan Cox, and Michio Kaku to name a few?”
– With few exceptions, virtually anyone advocating the pursuit of competent, open-minded scientific investigation holds a high place in my book. I think Mr. Tyson is both brilliant and hilarious, and it’s always a pleasure to hear him speak. I have not yet read anything of his, but I’ve been meaning to pick up a copy of Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries. As for Brian Cox, I’ve read The Quantum Universe, which he coauthored with Jeff Forshaw. I loved the narration and found it both challenging and accessible. I am not aware of Michio Kaku’s work, but I’ll most certainly look into it.
“It’s well known around town that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with more than one dude. I really should just tell her to fuck off, but to be honest I’m not sure I can find sex anywhere else. Yeah, I know. It’s embarrassing and I’m pathetic. Do you have any advice other than “Quit being such a pussy?” (Which is what I probably need to hear)”
– So what you’re really saying is that, as a man who is willing to sacrifice his reputation in exchange for the occasional piece of ass from the town whore, you would like me to tell you what you think you already know (that you’re a pussy), just so you can find it within yourself to stop (being a pussy), which will enable you to cease chasing her (pussy). Either A) Deep down you have it all figured out, in which case you need no help from me, or B) You’re so completely fucking fucked that no advice from me, nor anyone else, can help you now. Good luck.
“Should parents who have overweight kids be punished? Perhaps having their kids taken away or jail time. I feel it constitutes child abuse.”
– Barring children who have genetic predispositions to physiological abnormalities that cause childhood obesity, my answer is: absolutely. I have no doubt that more people have died from food abuse than have perished in all the wars in the history of this world, combined. Consistently cramming large amounts of processed, sugar/fat-laden garbage down the throats of one’s children, can and does lead to metabolic syndrome, diabetes, and heart conditions – to name but a few. It’s a life-threatening issue that should be addressed with severity, particularly when you consider that children are incapable of providing themselves with the nourishing, nutrient-dense food their bodies require for optimal health and growth. They are at the mercy or their parents.
“I have a thing for a secretary at work. I know some of the other guys do too, and it’s only a matter of time before one of them moves in and stakes his claim. It’s just that I’m really nervous. If she shoots me down, everyone at the office will find out eventually. I don’t know if I can handle that. Advice?”
– Quit being such a pussy.
“My husband has turned into an abusive alcoholic whose life’s mission now seems to be making me as miserable as possible every moment of the day. That is, when he’s not passed out drunk. For reasons I won’t discuss here, divorce is not an option at this time. What I want is revenge. Something to fuck with his head. Something that will last. Any ideas?”
– Sure. First, stretch out a Magnum condom, fill it will Ranch salad dressing, and hide it somewhere in your room. Then throw a party. The bigger, the better. See to it that he drinks himself unconscious. Once that is done, have several of the partygoers carry him to your bedroom, then toss him, face down, on the bed. Once they’ve left, close the door behind you and stuff the condom between his butt cheeks. Then open a window, turn out the light, and rejoin the party. Later, when he wakes up – thoroughly hungover and visibly distressed about the leaking condom in his ass – explain to him that an extremely strange, foul-smelling man carrying a box of Magnum condoms, crashed the party before suddenly disappearing. Feign wide-eyed surprise, suggest that the man must have crawled out the open bedroom window after doing whatever he did, and let your husband’s imagination fill in the rest. He’ll be mind-fucked for a very long time, if not forever.
“My golfing buddy is pretending to have a mid-life crisis just so he can justify trading in his van for a corvette his wife won’t even let him drive. Thoughts?”
– His wife sounds like a bitch who is probably the real source of his need to fake a mid-life crisis. He should be trading her in instead.