Dear Jonny, Tons Of Questions…
We’ve got questions….
Due to the hefty amount of “Dear Jonny” questions I’ve received over the last few weeks, I am once again going to consolidate my responses into a single entry. Thanks for all your continued interest.
I have two strength related questions for you. One, have you ever competed in a Strong Man competition? If yes, when and where, if not…why?! Two, are you a strong arm wrestler? Have you been beaten before?
– No, I have not. There are no such competitions in my area. But it’s definitely something I’ve considered, and I in no way rule out the possibility of giving one a shot at some point down the road. – Yes. I’m a southpaw, and no one has ever beaten me left-handed.
Are you fast? When’s the last time you sprinted?
– Perhaps compared to a man in a non-motorized wheel chair. – In Seattle, up an incredibly steep sidewalk, with a belly full of deep-fried sushi, sake, and various Japanese beers.
My wife says she dated you in college. She says you were a total asshole.
– I didn’t date women in college. I slept with them. – I’m sure she deserved it.
What are some of your favorite comedy films?
– “Very Bad Things.” “What About Bob?” “Death At A Funeral” (not the piece of shit remake). “The Big Lebowski.” “A Fish Called Wanda.”
I’m hoping you’re a fan of zombie movies, even though most of them coming out these days are total shit. What’s the last good one you saw?
– I am, and I agree. – “The Horde.” It’s a French movie made in 2009. Damn good.
What’s the last horrible movie you saw? What made it so bad?
– “Sucker Punch.” – Everything except the boobs.
If a man with unlimited funds agreed to finance your presidential campaign, what do you think would happen?
– Someone would shoot me in the face.
Are you married? If so, is your wife also an intimidating gym beast?
– No. – My girlfriend is 5” tall, resembles an elf with a nose job, and weighs exactly half what I do. But yeah, she works those guns.
Do you ever find yourself reading a book obsessively? If so, which one? Why?
– Sure do. – “The Stranger” by Camus – The existential turns me on.
Do you like Trance music. If so, what’s your favorite track?
– When I’m in the mood, I like nothing more. – “Unknown Source” by Nadjanema
When’s the last time you punched a hole in the wall? Why did you do it? Did you hurt yourself?
– A few weeks ago. – A moment before, I stubbed my toe. – A few bloodied knuckles.
As a bouncer, did you ever almost kill someone? If so, how? Why? What stopped you?
– I came pretty close. – A headlock turned crude choke. – An ex-con, fresh out of prison for manslaughter, threatened to stab me and got a little closer to my face than I was comfortable with at the time. – A good friend and fellow bouncer alerted me to the smurf-blue color of ex-con’s face.
Can you wipe your own ass?
– Why are you thinking about my ass and shit?
When’s the last time you killed something?
– A protein shake, five minutes ago.
Is there any wrong way to take creatine?
– I don’t recommend that you snort it, which will irritate your nasal membranes and possibly cause hemorrhaging.
If I eat Chinese take-out frequently, what’s the best way to avoid getting fat?
– Skip the rice and avoid breaded meat and overly-sugared sauces; stick to chicken, fish, and vegetables.
Do you think a man is stupid for getting married?
– Not if his bride-to-be has a fat dowry and a slim waistline.
What do you think of Slim Fast?
– It’s a disgusting artificial concoction designed for people who have no idea what’s going on.
What’s the difference between skinny and healthy?
– A heart attack.
If it was your last day on earth, what would you do?
– Get in a workout, visit with family, watch a movie, read something deep, break some things, then overdose on sex, drugs, alcohol, and food.